A Million Pieces
by Awen Sofer
Summary: It was bullets from his gun that killed Light Yagami who revealed himself to be the notorious Kira. Now, broken and in despair, Touta Matsuda seeks the help of a psychologist to deal with the emotional fall out. Unfortunately he has a beautiful counselor who may lose her professionalism over him. Alternate Universe/Original Character
1. Shattered

Dr. Kokuro Tsukino reread the information in the folder in her hands. Shinigami, Death Note, Kira…Kira? What the hell is this? A joke? The symptoms the man exhibited are no joke and fit the textbook description of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Allowing her professionalism to drift out the window for a moment, a wry grin lifts her lips when she thinks about how she would like to thank the man who is responsible for the death of the notorious serial killer Kira who held the whole world hostage for a while. Clearing her throat, she pushes the thought out of her head and returns to her professional state of mind. She stands up from her desk with the folder in her hands to walk to the front to retrieve her next patient: Touta Matsuda.

Touta Matsuda sits on the couch in the psychologist's waiting room feeling as if his last nerve is about to shatter. He did not want to be here. However, his new Chief, Shuichi Aizawa, had not given him a choice. His options were to seek counseling or search for a new job. He loved working for the National Police Agency and being a detective; there was nothing else he wanted to do. Since Light's death, he had been experiencing constant nightmares and flashbacks of the moment he had killed the man. He put the lethal bullets into the body of the man he trusted and believed in until the very end only to find out he was the mass murderer Kira the whole time.

"Mr. Matsuda."

Touta jumps to his feet nervously upon hearing his name. His palms are sweaty and his hands tremble uncontrollably. Looking toward the source of the sound, he sees a pretty woman with long black hair that cascades in loose waves over her shoulders. She has kind green eyes that are shielded behind a pair of gold oval framed glasses. She is wearing a modest long-sleeved button down shirt of gray silk along with a calf length skirt of a darker gray. She looks exactly how he thinks a woman psychologist should look. He immediately wishes Chief Aizawa had chosen a seventy year old male shrink who smokes a pipe for his counselor instead.

Kokuro returns the man's silent perusal. His youthful appearance coupled with the terrified expression on his handsome face makes him appear completely vulnerable and incredibly young. She had expected a jaded, weary, time hardened investigator who was burnt out; not a frightened man who looks to be all of twenty years old although she already knows he is thirty-two years old. She is actually younger than him by two years. Maybe it is his short shaggy black hair or his huge brown eyes that gives him his young-looking façade…or maybe it is the emotional frailty he displays as evidently as his police badge. She smiles at him, waving him toward her to come back to her office.

Touta returns her smile apprehensively walking forward when she beckons him. He feels warmth rising to his cheeks, embarrassed because he had been standing there like a complete idiot gaping at the beautiful woman. Sometimes he believes people are right when they called him an idiot. As he follows her, his eyes rove from her glossy dark hair down to her narrow waist where her hips bloom to give her a nice curvy shape. Fretfully pulling at the knot of his tie, he compels his eyes to move back up to stare at the back of her head.

After entering her office, Kokuro indicates for him to sit down on the couch while she sits down in the chair caddy corner to the couch. She had been taught in school like all professional psychologists to set up her office this way. Sitting behind a desk was too intimidating and limited open communication with the patient. If her chair were directly across from the couch, she would be seen as a threat and viewed as confrontational. This set up was supposed to put the patient at ease and make them comfortable. The furniture was plush suede in neutral colors of beige and brown to further the homey, soothing atmosphere.

Touta sits down on the cushy beige couch while she settles into the big puffy brown chair at his right. He sits up stiff and straight, unable and somewhat unwilling to relax. His hands tremble visibly as he anxiously twists his fingers together. His eyes rove about the office indiscriminately to avoid meeting hers.

"I don't want to be here. I'm fine," he blurts suddenly, biting his lower lip nervously when her green eyes meet his brown ones.

"I understand, Mr. Matsuda. I'm not your enemy. I'm here to help you," she insists, feeling his resistance as tangibly as if it were a human presence in the room pressing against her.

"I killed someone. I'm a murderer and no better than he is. How are you going to help me with that?" he demands, narrowing his huge round eyes in anger. "I don't believe anyone can help me."

"I will," she promises, leaning forward to place her hand over his that are clasped together between his knees. She expected him to recoil from her, but he did not. That is a good sign that contradicts his previous declaration. It shows he already trusts her, at least on a basic level, that she can put him on the road to recovery. She leans back into her chair, retrieving the notepad and pen from the table in front of her.

"So where do I start? What do I talk about?" he asks, lacing and unlacing his fingers to dispel his edginess.

"Begin wherever you feel comfortable. Say anything. I'm not here to judge you. I'm here to help you," she reminds him, settling into the soft chair further with her yellow legal pad in her lap.

"I always liked Light. I believed that he was a good man like his father. I trusted him. He betrayed me. He betrayed us all," he begins, tears stinging his eyes. "I don't want to be so weak. I don't want to be so stupid."

Kokuro forces herself to sit still. She wants to lean forward and gather him into her arms to soothe him like a mother comforts a hurting child. Reminding herself he is a grown man, his psyche shattered by recent events, he would have to work through this on his own to heal. She taps her pen against her lower lip, waiting for him to continue. Her eyes concentrate on his hands that worked constantly by either clasping and unclasping each other or brushing off invisible lint from his pants.

"I can't stand the guilt. The shame. I killed him. But if I had not killed him, he would have killed us!" Touta exclaims, the tears flowing faster from his large brown eyes.

"Tell me about the nightmares and the flashbacks? Is it always the same thing? What is the frequency?" she inquires, scribbling notes on her paper.

"It's always the same thing. I see Light, this horrible, absolutely dreadful expression on his face. And he's laughing. Laughing at all of us. He deceived us all, killing people right under our nose the whole time. He tells us he's won and he's going to kill us all and he laughs. He laughs…" he murmurs, his voice trailing off. Covering his face with his hands, he sobs softly, a low mournful sound.

Kokuro writes trying not to make noise as she does so. She can see the flood gates about to open and she does not want to do anything to prevent it.

"Nothing happens. He's disappointed. He's angry because we're not all dead," he goes on, trapped in the memory.

Kokuro allows him to ramble, spellbound while he recites the monologue the crazed man ejaculated about how he was supposed be the god of a new world and how he planned to bring it about before berating them for ruining his grand scheme. She is transfixed by the man on her couch, unable to take her eyes off of him as he stands up to reenact what happens next. Gone is the childlike helplessness and his face which physically morphs into something hardened and fearsome as he pretends to draw a gun from his hip and raise it.

"He's got a piece of that damn notebook hidden in his watch. He will write our names down if I don't do this. Deceptive bastard! Liar! Asshole! I will kill you before I let you hurt any of my friends. I don't want to die because of you!" he bellows, his voice loud and strong instead of soft and insecure. He raises his hands, pausing as if he aiming the invisible gun. "I shoot him in the hand and he drops the needle that he used to pierce his finger. He was going to write our names in blood. In his tainted evil blood. Bastard. Murderer. He allowed his father to die. He killed his own father! And he didn't even care. I shoot him again in the right shoulder, then the left. I shoot him two more times but I'm not sure where because he's falling backwards. He's going down."

Touta's eyes fly open wide as if he has come to himself and is aware of his ranting and fierce actions. He drops to his knees as if drained of all of his vitality. Hunching over limply, he holds himself up with his fists pushing so hard against the polished wooden floor his knuckles are turning white. His body shudders violently as his body is wracked with heart wrenching wails of the emotional agony he cannot escape.

"The last bullet in my gun was meant for his head. It's buried in the cement floor of that warehouse because they stopped me. They stopped me," he repeated, regret and anger evident in his voice. He had wanted to kill Light himself and Aizawa, Mogi, and Ide prevented him from doing so. "I keep living that one moment over and over and over! It won't stop," he howls, raising his head to look at her.

Kokuro is irrevocably lost in the moment and the man's overwrought state. She drops to her knees in front of him, enclosing his shaking body with her arms. Her hands stroke his back while she croons kind words in his ear to calm him. Her professionalism had deserted her and she gave in to being a woman. Placing her hands on his tear soaked cheeks, she looks into his deep brown and severely wounded eyes.

"You will get through this. I will help you," she tells him, somehow managing to rein herself in before the impulse to kiss him gets the better of her. Clearing her throat, she rushes to stand to her feet while straightening her skirt. She turns her back to him so he cannot see the hot crimson color spreading up her neck and covering her face to her forehead. "You keep reliving that same moment? No others."

"That's the one that comes on its own. That memory haunts me like a ghost. It wakes me up at night. It drifts in during the day when I'm awake. Suddenly I'm there, in that warehouse, and it's happening all over again. I just want it to end," he mumbles, sitting down heavily on the couch.

"Do you ever think about any good things concerning Light? How you remember him being before you knew he was Kira? Nice experiences you might have had with him?" she asks, returning to her chair. She is reasonably sure she has fully regained control of her senses.

"No. It doesn't change the fact that I hate him. It only makes me more angry and I feel like an even bigger fool when I think about the way he was or how closely we all worked together with that filthy murderer," he grinds out through his teeth, his baby face solidifying momentarily into a mask of hatred.

"You said something about Light's father. What was he to you?" she inquires, putting pen to paper.

"He was my Chief. I respected him. I looked up to him. I thought of him as a father figure. He was the one person I could go to about advice on anything," he says, a wistful grin on his lips. "I wanted to be like him when I grew up. He made me want to be a better detective."

Kokuro allows the smile to curl her lips as she looks at his face that has returned to its initial boyish appearance. Somehow he had managed to make a small joke despite his emotional distress. Her mind wanders for a moment, thinking about how downright cute he is with a captivating aura of naïveté and earnestness. She chews her lower lip, hard enough to bring herself around from her musings. He is a patient and strictly off limits. Besides, he is far too damaged and needs too much help for her to be making an allowance for personal opinions about him.

Touta raises his brown eyes to meet her green ones and is caught off guard by her direct and fervent gaze. His ivory colored cheeks flood with pink and he lowers his eyes from hers. He tells himself she is just regarding him as a patient, thinking about everything he had said. Daring to move his eyes back to her, he sees that she is writing like a madwoman on the pad of paper balanced on her knee from her legs that are elegantly curled beneath her in the big chair. He takes the chance to look her over carefully since she is distracted. Big soft curls of her black hair lay across her chest. One curl has even formed a frame around her breast, accentuating it nicely. Swallowing hard, he looks away, feeling light headed as the blood rushes in opposite directions to show his embarrassment and his excitement from looking at her. He immediately feels like a horny pervert and stares at the highly polished floor between his black dress shoes. He can see his reflection.

"Mr. Matsuda?" Kokuro calls to garner his attention. She smiles when he looks at her. "Is there anything else you would like to tell me today?"

"Not today. When should I come back?" he inquires trying not to sound too expectant since he will be coming for counseling after all.

"Is Thursday all right?" she queries, writing again.

"That's fine," he responds, standing up to leave. Turning back at the door, he tells her, "Thank you, Dr. Tsukino."

"I haven't done anything yet. Besides, it will be you who does all the work. You're going to be just fine," she assures him, giving him a smile that falters when he holds her gaze a little too long.

Touta nodded, giving her a small smile before walking out of the door to close it soundlessly behind him.

Kokuro relinquishes the breath that she had been holding once he departed. She looks down at her notes from the session with the tormented police investigator. A vision of his benevolent brown eyes that were so full of suffering swiftly forms in her mind. Shaking her head, she forces out the image to concentrate on the words on the page in front of her. She reminds herself to view this patient objectively without allowing her personal feelings to get involved. She had seen far too many colleagues fall prey to the temptation of getting involved with patients on a personal level. As a woman it was doubly difficult to maintain a sense of detached emotionlessness where patients are concerned. There have been times when she has come home from work and shed tears for a mother grieving the loss of her child who succumbed to cancer or thrown things against the wall in anger because of the alcoholic patient who fell off the wagon again only to spout lame excuses for his setback. She knows some of her patients do not want to get better and only want to make excuses for their behavior which is so damn infuriating. Then there are patients like Touta Matsuda who sincerely want to get beyond their issues but do not know how. It is her job to be the beacon in their dark night to lead them through the valley of despair to the other side. Humiliation caused a wave of nausea to flow over her when she recalled her thoughtless actions earlier of hugging him and coddling him. It is not her job to do something stupid like allowing her emotions to lead her astray and ruin both of their lives; that is just immature and irresponsible. Hopefully she can help this man get through his predicament without having another lapse in reasoning and self-control like that.


	2. Scarred

A/N: Several times skips occur here that all equal out to the passage of a few months.

* * *

Touta lay on his bed staring at the ceiling. He could not sleep but at least he was not suffering from the memories that had haunted him for so long. His mind was not set on an endless loop of mental movie replaying the last moments before Light's death. For the first time in months he was able to think calmly and rationally about the situation without the crushing shame and guilt rising within him. He speculated if it was the sting of betrayal from Light's deception that bothered him more than actually killing the man who was a complete fraud. He was no longer comforted by the thought that he killed in self-defense and to protect the others. Was it possible he killed Kira out for old fashioned vengeance, seeking retribution for the innocent victims including his Chief, Soichiro Yagami? Either way he could convince himself it was a noble cause. Despite his motivation, it was only right and necessary that Light Yagami was killed. Why did it have to be him who pulled the trigger?

Tired of rehashing the past and playing the 'what if' game, Touta rolled onto his side while going through his mental files to think of a better subject to dwell on. Closing his eyes, the picture of his pretty therapist formed in his head. She was much nicer and more appealing to concentrate on with her dark, silky looking hair and her soft, tranquil voice that soothed his frazzled nerves. He should probably not be thinking of her in such a familiar manner but it was better than concentrating on the past. Because of her, he was looking forward to having a future again.

~\0/~

* * *

Kokuro stared out of the floor to ceiling window of her office with her back to the tearful Matsuda. She had been left with no choice but to turn away and physically distance herself from him before she took him into her arms and began crying with him. He had experienced a break through today. Unfortunately, it seemed like more of a defeat than a triumph. The revelation he made had even disturbed her so she could not even begin to imagine how it affected the sensitive and emotionally delicate man.

Touta Matsuda had come to the unsettling conclusion that he had enjoyed killing Light. After learning of the man's cruel and self-centered treachery, his mind had been flooded with all sorts of thoughts that had overpowered him with fury. He had contemplated all the times Light had lied to them and happily deluded them while laughing behind their backs…and then he had laughed in their faces to further demean them. The comprehension that the traitor was responsible for Soichiro Yagami's death, a man that he had idolized and admired, had only made him seethe all the more. He had protected and defended Light many times from his fellow detectives only to learn in the end they were right and he was wrong. Poor, stupid Matsuda…idiot. So when Light had tried to kill them all, he had snapped. The traitor must die, and he wanted to be the one to kill him. He drew his gun and pulled the trigger again and again. He had rejoiced silently while Kira died a slow, tormenting death, bleeding out slowly while wailing in agony from the pain and the knowledge that he was not perfect after all and would no longer be a god.

Then the gravity of the situation had sunk into Matsuda: he had killed the man also known as Kira and had liked it. He had rid the world of a serious problem, and he was proud. It did not matter that he had shot as a matter of self-defense and to defend his colleagues. He had been dishing out his own brand of justice and for that, he was not sorry.

"Dr. Tsukino, I'm all right. I'm ready to continue," Touta said after pulling himself back together and drying his tears.

"I think that's enough for today. I'll see you on Monday for your next appointment," she responded, hurriedly wiping away the tear that leaked from the corner of her eye.

"Are you sure? I can go on. I-I think I n-need to," he stammered nervously.

"All right then," she stated in a low voice of unenthusiastic compliance. Her nerves were rattled, and she wondered if _she_ would be able to continue with this counseling session. She moved toward her chair, accidentally knocking a book from the table beside the couch where Matsuda sat. It hit the hardwood floor with a loud bang that sounded something like a gunshot.

Touta acted on an automatic reaction bred from the trauma he had experienced. He leaped of the couch, seizing Kokuro around the waist before dragging her to the floor. Covering her body with his, he would protect her from whatever danger that came their way. Too bad the so called threat had been misperceived and acted upon irrationally.

Kokuro cried out in startled terror from his unexpected overreaction. When she fully comprehended her position on the floor beneath her usually reserved patient, she was momentarily dumbfounded and unable to move. The closeness and heaviness of Touta's body as he lay over her, shielding her body with his, made her heart beat faster and made her pant to catch her breath. Pushing at his chest with her flattened palms, she requested as politely as possible considering the circumstances that he move off of her. She stopped moving when he opened his puppy dog like brown eyes to look into hers. At first, he did not seem to understand what had happened, staring at her with a blank expression in his eyes. A shrill squeak was ejected from her throat when he jumped to his feet with lightning fast speed, reaching down to pull her up off the floor to a standing position.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry," he gushed, his fair skinned face flooding with a crimson red color in humiliation.

"It's okay," she assured him, reaching out to run her fingers through his hair before she was in her right mind to stop the action. Quickly pulling her hand away, she turned her back to him as her face filled with heat. "Don't be upset. That was just a normal reaction for someone still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. We're working on that."

"Dr. Tsukino, will it get better?" he asked in his soft, shy voice.

"It will just take time. All of this will," she assured him without turning around. She was not sure if the blush had receded from her face and her breathing had not yet regulated itself.

Wordlessly Kokuro chided herself that this was just ridiculous and she should have more aplomb as a psychologist. She jumped when he startled her by putting his hand on her shoulder. Before she could act in response in anyway, she was spun around and drawn into his arms for a comforting embrace. Keeping her arms at her sides she swallowed convulsively as the man held her in a firm but not overly tight bear hug.

"Thank you," he murmured, letting her go and hurriedly walking away.

Kokuro watched in stunned disbelief as he grabbed his coat and swiftly exited the room. The two unforeseen situations had occurred so quickly she was not sure what had just happened. Pressing the heel of her hand to forehead, she tried to make herself think. If this kept up, she was going to need a counselor of her own.

~\0/~

* * *

"Tell me about the Death Note and the Shinigami," Kokuro requested to begin the session. She decided it was time they delve into the other aspects of his harrowing experience besides the obvious problem.

"It's pretty simple really. A Shinigami is a Death god, responsible for taking the lives of people when it's their time to die. They can see everyone's names and life spans over their heads. The Death Note is the notebook owned by the Death god where he writes the names," Touta explained as if it were as commonplace as any boring administrative task.

"Did you see one of these Death gods?" she inquired, shifting restlessly in her chair. She was beginning to wonder just how tenuous his grip on reality really was.

"I saw two of them. One was named Ryuk and the other was named Rem," he answered candidly.

Kokuro wrote notes as he continued to expound on the rules and regulations of the notebook. A new person named Ryuuzaki or L entered the conversation, but she was too enthralled with the explanation of the Death Note to be concerned with him. She made a note to revisit that topic later to determine his significance in all of this. By the end of Matsuda's allotted time, her head was swimming from all of the guidelines he had gone over for this Death Note. Personally doubting the reality of its existence and that of the Shinigami, she speculated as to how and why he had created such an elaborate fabrication. Was it a safety mechanism manufactured by his own mind to help him understand certain aspects of the Kira Case that were otherwise too horrid to consider? Or was it simply a delusion because he was slowly parting with reality? Either way, she would have to determine the importance of it to deal with it. She made another note to set up a meeting with Chief Aizawa sometime. Her hope was that he would assist her with understanding the bizarre concept and what it could mean.

~\0/~

* * *

"L and Ryuuzaki are the same person right?" Kokuro queried, getting up from her chair to walk around. She was about to test him to see if he was making any progress.

"Yes, they are. He was the detective in charge of the case before Kira, I mean Light, killed him. He was a little strange, but he was a really nice guy. He was brilliant. He suspected Light the whole time but eventually Light convinced him otherwise," Touta said, wondering what she was doing as she paced the floor behind the couch.

"So if Light deceived someone as smart as this L person, why do you feel so badly that he misled you?" she inquired hefting the six inch thick medical dictionary from the bookshelf. Holding it waist high, she dropped it on the floor to land with a loud bang. A smile graced her lips when Matsuda's reaction was to start violently but he remained sitting on the couch. Breathing a sigh of relief, she was happy she did not get tackled this time.

"What the hell…Dr. Tsukino? Why did you do that?" he asked matter of factly, his brown eyes wide with astonishment but leveled unwaveringly on her.

"Just checking," she murmured, walking around the couch to her chair. "I'm sorry about that. I'll admit it was a dirty trick but I had to know for myself. You could tell me what I want to hear but I wanted to test your reaction. Are you sleeping better?"

"Not really. I'm still having trouble sleeping. I can't stop thinking. I don't have the nightmares or flashbacks anymore. I'm just trying to figure everything out," he clarified, keeping his eyes on her as she took her seat. He would be sure to watch the sneaky and unpredictable doctor more closely in the future.

"You can't reason out the way you feel or how your mind is comprehending it. Emotions are completely irrational things and cannot be understood using rationale," she stated rigidly, sitting down in her chair.

"Have you ever been in love, Doctor?" he asked, gaping at her when her head swung to him. His face registered as much surprise as hers. He could not believe those words had come out of his mouth. He had only meant to think them not ask them since she had touched on the subject of emotions.

After closing her mouth, she cleared her throat to rid herself of the lump that choked her so she could say, "Of course. Who hasn't? But it's only a surge in hormones. An emotional reaction to completely explainable and provable scientific phenomena. That's why people fall out of love so easily. The hormone surge, mostly adrenaline, ends and the feelings go away. That's not real love."

"It may not be but it can lead to real love," he returned, giving her an uncharacteristically rascally grin. "You just said emotions cannot be reasoned out so why are you doing just that?"

"I said emotions can't, but the science behind them can," she countered, grinning triumphantly.

"Touché, Dr. Tsukino," he replied, holding his heart and pretending to be wounded. "Well, played. You dodged my verbal parry and thrust straight through my heart."

Kokuro giggled lightly before getting a grip on herself and becoming serious again. She believed he was flirting with her. Seeing the blush upon his cheeks confirmed her suspicion of his flirtation and made him that much more charming and attractive to her. This should not be happening. Dropping the smile from her face, she looked down at her notes.

"Mr. Matsuda – "

"Call me Touta, please."

'I can't even though I want to!' she wanted to scream at him. It would be breaching a barrier that maintained a comfortable doctor/patient distance between them and making things too personal.

"Mr. Matsuda, I'll see you at your next appointment on Monday."


	3. Jealousy

Kokuro walked into the National Police Agency, surprised to see so many people wandering about. She would have thought she accidentally arrived at the train station. Everyone was wearing an ID badge of some sort, some bearing the word visitor. She made her way across the huge open atrium to the reception desk located against the wall straight in front of her.

"Excuse me," she called to one of the three receptionists behind the desk.

Two of the receptionists were females who were busy fielding calls using their headsets so it appeared they were talking to themselves. The third one was a male who ended his call before turning his attention to her.

"Can I help you?" he inquired politely, smiling at her.

"I'm here to see Chief Aizawa," she responded.

"Oh, yes, here you go," he said, handing her an ID badge with her name on it and visitor beneath it in bold letters. "We were told to be expecting you."

"All right, thank you," she returned clipping the badge to her jacket.

"His office is up the stairs, third door on the right. There will be a nameplate on the door," he informed her helpfully, giving her a winning smile before answering the call on the incessantly ringing phone.

Kokuro followed his directions going straight to the door complete with a gold nameplate bearing the words Chief Shuichi Aizawa, Detectives Division. 'Do they have a chief for each division?' she wondered, knocking on the door.

"Come in," a gruff voice called from behind the door.

Kokuro was unsure if she should enter or run from the anger behind that voice. Slowly opening the door, she peeked around to see a man with a pinched expression staring at a paper in his hand. He had short hair that appeared messy because it was so curly. His dark brown, almost black eyes, surveyed the words on the paper. Whatever information that paper contained, it made him very unhappy and downright irate which was evident by the way his eyebrows drew together and his forehead crinkled. If he were not irate at the moment, he might be handsome.

"Chief Aizawa?" she inquired demurely, stepping all the way into the office.

"Yes, what do you want?" he demanded grouchily. "Who are you?"

Kokuro distinctly remembered the receptionist saying her visit was expected. Maintaining her unobtrusive smile, she forced kindness into her voice before she spoke.

"I'm Dr. Tsukino, Mr. Matsuda's psychologist," she introduced herself, putting out her hand.

"Oh, so you're the shrink," he muttered, shaking her hand.

Kokuro overlooked the dearly hated term for her profession and sat down in the chair in front of his desk without being asked. She had already had her fill of the ridiculously grumpy man, however, she did understand that he was in a highly stressful position.

"Chief Aizawa, I'm here to ask you a few questions concerning, Mr. Matsuda," she told him when he stared at her. She was thankful his expression softened a bit so she knew he was not irritated with her.

"What can I help you with?" he inquired, dropping the paper on his desk and leaning back in his chair.

"Can you tell me about the Death Note and the Shinigami? Are they real or just a figment of Mr. Matsuda's imagination? Did you see them?" she inquired, expecting him to laugh or act least give her a questioning glance.

"They're real. I saw them both. If he's crazy, I'm crazy then," he answered concisely without offering any extra information.

Kokuro was stunned. The man had diffidently confirmed the validity of what she thought were traumatic psychological contrivances. She was glad her mouth was not hanging open by the time the astonishment wore off because she was not sure how long she had been staring at him in mute shock. That was not the answer she had been expecting and especially for it to be spoken with such certainty. She was at such a loss for words she did not even reprimand him for the use of the word crazy. At this time, she was left with no choice but to believe they were real.

"Do you care to expound on that? Tell me anything you know about them?" she queried.

"No. Not really. I thought I was losing my mind for a while. It took every detective involved in that case a while to come to terms with all of the weirdness we experienced. I saw things I never believed existed and experienced things that scared the hell out of me. I don't care to revisit any of it. I nearly lost my family and my life because of all the Kira bullshit. I'd rather just forget it if you don't mind," he answered brusquely with outward anger in his voice.

"Yes, sir. I understand. Well, thank you for your time," she said, standing up to leave.

There was really nothing else left to say. Kokuro was still reeling from the revelation about the Death Note and the Shinigami. How was she going to document that in her notes without sounding a little by psychotic herself? Her hand was on the door knob when the Chief called her name.

"I appreciate everything you have done for Matsuda. He's not crazy. He was just having trouble coping with the fact he killed a man. He was very close to that family. He practically saw Light grow up since the boy's father was his Chief. He was even in love with the Chief Yagami's daughter for a while. Killing Light almost killed him, Dr. Tsukino," he said, showing tremendous concern for his subordinate.

"Thank you for your help, Chief Aizawa," she returned politely, stopping when he called her name again.

"If you have any more questions or anything else you need help with, just let me know. I'll do anything to help one of my men, especially one who survived that hell on earth with me," he told her, giving her a small smile.

Kokuro nodded her head, unable to speak. The loyalty and affection the men showed for each other was not uncommon among people who had experienced traumatic events together. It was still no less heart wrenching.

~...~

* * *

Kokuro sat at the bar of the overly full pub pondering how many fire codes they were violating. She was waiting for a man on the blind date her sister had insisted she must go on. Her sister showed way too much concern for her love life. Kaiya believed since she was married everyone should be married particularly her sister. Married bliss, or lack thereof, had never been a major concern for Kokuro. Besides, having counseled so many married couples on the verge of divorce or divorcées after the fact, she thought it better to avoid the whole prospect entirely.

"Kokuro Tsukino?" a deep male voice inquired.

Kokuro turned to see a tall, light skinned man with darker than black hair that flowed down his back. She accidentally spit out some of the white wine she was holding in her mouth. She had not expected him to be so…pretty! He had very narrow black eyes and did not smile but damn he was gorgeous. At least he was nice to look at and thankfully Kaiya had not informed him that she was a psychologist. Many men that knew her profession had turned the date into a counseling session mostly about exes whether it was wives or girlfriends (and sometimes both!). Needless to say those never translated into a second date.

Across the bar, Kokuro was being watched by a set of big brown eyes. Matsuda raised the shot of brown liquid to his lips and kicked it back without tasting it. He winced as he felt it though and it burned all the way down his gullet. Unable to hold back the reaction, he began to cough and splutter spastically, almost losing his breath. He was just catching his breath again when Chief Aizawa slapped him on the back heartily and slid him another shot across the table.

"Come on, drink up!" his Chief encouraged him when he stared at the glass warily. "You deserve it from all the shit you've been through. That pretty little shrink of yours seems to be concerned about you beyond professional boundaries."

"No, she's not," Matsuda protested, feeling the blush covering his cheeks. He was glad his boss was wasted and would not notice or would assume it was because he was drunk which he was.

"Speaking of that, isn't that her right there?" Aizawa asked pointing with his middle finger while keeping the others firmly wrapped around his shot glass. "My, she's a sexy piece when she takes off that nerd persona isn't she? Who woulda thought it possible?"

Matsuda blushed even more violently but he had to agree with his boss's crude assessment. Kokuro had gotten rid of the glasses and the matronly outfit. She was wearing a short black strapless dress with a flared skirt. If she dared to bend over or if a draft came her way, she would show everyone what she was wearing , or not wearing as the case may be, underneath. The thought made him so hot he thought he might burst into flames.

"Is that a girl or a guy talking to her?" Aizawa inquired, hiccupping drunkenly. They were both drinking far too much, but he had imbibed double the drinks of Matsuda with the same effect.

"It's a guy," he answered grumpily, drinking the shot he held instead of continuing to hold it.

Matsuda felt something stirring deep within him. It was not an emotion he was familiar with. It burned just like the alcohol with a heat that seemed to sear his brain and emotions. Jealousy? Maybe so. For once in his life he had a weakness that made him strong. He had developed a fondness for his counselor that surpassed patient privilege. Right now he did not care. Pressing his palms against the top of the table, he pushed himself to a standing position. It was time to go say hello to his gorgeous psychologist and tell her how beautiful she looked.

Kokuro accepted the glass of wine her handsome companion, Katsuo*, had ordered for her. She had just taken a sip when she noticed a red-faced, drunken Touta Matsuda staggering in her direction. Trying to ignore him and hoping he had not seen her, her hopes were quickly dashed when she felt a hard tap on her shoulder. Rolling her eyes, she slowly turned to look at the man. It was embarrassing seeing him here since she was dressed like a trollop and on a blind date. How terribly humiliating for him to see her looking like a common tart!

"Dr. Tsukino, I must say you are looking so damn hot tonight and I wish you were going home with me," Matsuda blurted, slurring his words due to his drunken state.

"Excuse me," Kokuro squeaked not knowing if she should slap him or laugh at him. It was so out of character for him it shocked her beyond reason.

"Doctor?" Katsuo queried, raising an eyebrow at her. He chose to calmly ignore the drunken man.

"Yes, Doctor!" he retorted, poking her companion in the back.

"You really should leave. I'm on a date here with the beautiful lady and I don't believe she is interested in your company. Ever," the stoic man added, turning slowly to face Matsuda.

"Oh, no," Kokuro moaned, grabbing the still sober man by the arm. "He's not usually like this. He's just drunk. It's okay."

"I can take care of this. Don't worry about me," the drunk insisted, swaying unsteadily. He put up his hands, balling them into relaxed fists.

"Are you kidding me? You want to fight?" Katsuo laughed derisively, watching the man move his half clenched hands in circles in opposite directions while rocking from his toes to his heels and back.

Kokuro would swear Touta was employing the drunken monkey technique of martial arts but she was sure it was just the drunken Matsuda style instead born of very little brain and too much bravado from the addition of alcohol. She stood up between the two, grabbing the hapless Matsuda by the arm. Gulping audibly, she gave her strikingly handsome date who she really would have liked to get to know better an apologetic smile.

"I'm sorry. He's a patient of mine and I would feel like I was failing him somehow if I did not take care of him in his present state," she tried to explain receiving an unsympathetic glare.

"Do what you have to do, Doc," Katsuo returned coldly. "Don't expect a phone call from me."

Kokuro experienced a flash of anger that made her body flood with heat. Gritting her teeth, she waited until it subsided. She was ready to whip the man's ass who turned out to be a total jerk. At least it saved her a lot of time and trouble by not having to date him to find out he was an asshole.

"Come on, Touta," she muttered, pulling him toward the door. "Let's pour you into a cab and take you home."

~...~

Kokuro had to call the NPA to retrieve Matsuda's address because not only was he too drunk to remember where he lived, he promptly passed out before they even made it to the end of the block. She gave the cabbie a generous tip when he helped her get the man to the door of the house. Staring down at him for a moment as he lay unconscious on the doorstep, she steeled herself to dig through his pockets in search of his house keys. Closing her eyes tightly, she acted as if that would prevent her from _feeling_ anything else she might accidentally touch in her search. Thankfully in the end she was able to find the keys and nothing else. After her triumphant squeal, he groaned in protest. She unlocked the door and was stumped again. How was she supposed to get him into the house?

"What now?" she asked herself, getting behind him. She sat him up to a sitting position, grasping him under the arms. He fought her a bit, giggling like a young girl because she was tickling him. Once he passed back out completely, she dragged him into the house.

Despite how tempting it was to leave him in his foyer, she kicked off her shoes then pulled his off to leave them at the step before taking her former position to drag him down the hall. She was thankful he had a small single story home so it did not take long to find the bedroom. Debating what to do next, she knelt beside him and shook him lightly in an attempt to rouse him enough so he could get into the bed himself.

"Touta, Touta," Kokuro called, poking him tentatively. Giving him a sharp jab in the ribs, she yelled, "Touta!"

"Ahhhh! Five more minutes, Mom! I hate high school," he mumbled sitting up suddenly.

Kokuro barely dodged what would have been an accidental and painful head butt. She prodded him to move and he rose to his feet unsteadily like a dazed sleepwalker. Turning him toward the bed, she gave him a gentle push that landed him right across the middle of the bed. Oh, well, at least he was in the bed and no longer on the floor.

"Shit," she hissed, wondering what she should do.

Kokuro was in the middle of a neighborhood so it was not likely that any taxis would be happening by any time soon. She could call a cab company but it was two in the morning and they were busy transporting drunks. 'Present company included,' she thought to herself looking at the man passed out in a drunken stupor and drooling on his pillow. Pressing her hand over her mouth, she stifled the urge to snicker though she doubted it would wake him up. She guessed her only other option was to stay here. That might be the best idea considering his condition. He might experience an emotional crash since alcohol was a depressant after all and he had drunk quite a bit…for him anyway.

Glancing around the room, Kokuro went to the chest of drawers to search for something suitable to change into. Finding a drawer full of white t-shirts, she grabbed one before retreating to the bathroom. She washed off her make up and took off her dress, laying it on the counter. After putting on the t-shirt, she walked into the bedroom to find Touta curled on his side in the fetal position laying the correct way in the bed. She pulled the comforter over him wrapping him up completely. As she was tucking the blanket around him, he grabbed her wrist.

"Don't leave me," he begged in his sleep, pulling her down onto the bed with him.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding," she murmured, when he wrapped his arms and legs around her body. She should have called that cab. Her nose scrunched up involuntarily with revulsion when his liquor tainted breath blew across her face. "Touta, please."

"Kokuro," he mumbled, hugging her closer to him. "I've dreamed of this for so long."

"You have?" she asked, taking advantage of his sleep induced outspokenness. "What else have you dreamed about?"

"I've dreamed about kissing you," he murmured, demonstrating by delivering a chaste kiss to her lips. He had magnificent accuracy to be fast asleep. "Making love to you."

Kokuro's eyes widened and she pushed against his chest before he could demonstrate that intention. She relaxed when she heard him snoring again. Resigning herself to her present predicament, she snuggled against his chest as he held her and slumbered in total oblivion. Her few glasses of wine helped her fall asleep despite being in the very unusual, very uncomfortable fix she found herself in. It had not occurred to her how awkward the situation would be when they awoke in the morning.

* * *

A/N - *OC character for this scene only. One of the meanings of Katsuo is manly. I purposely chose this name in contrast to his appearance. If you're picturing him as looking either like Byakuya from Bleach or Kanda from D. Grayman, you would be right on either account. I was thinking of both of them as I described him.


	4. Lust

Kokuro awoke with a start, shocked to find herself alone in the bed. Tentatively she stood up and began to search for Touta Matsuda, her unlikely bedmate. The smell of coffee and cinnamon drew her to the kitchen where she found him setting a freshly baked pan of cinnamon rolls on the counter that he had just taken from the oven. She smiled at him when he glanced at her, immediately remembering she was wearing nothing but one of his white t-shirts when a pink blush crept across his cheeks.

"It looks good on you," Touta complimented, turning his back to her to fill a cup with coffee for her. "Thank you for staying with me last night. It was really unnecessary though."

"Well, I just wanted to be sure you were safe. I also thought it would be nearly impossible to find a cab since we were not the only drunks that needed to be tended to," she said, giving him a wry smile when he turned toward her.

Kokuro studied his face when he handed the coffee to her. As much as he blushed, she would think it was a permanent part of his complexion. Their fingers touched and they both blushed; his only grew darker. She took a seat on one of the bar stools at the counter. She felt like a customer at a bar or maybe a bakery as she watched him busy himself in the kitchen with pouring the white icing over the still hot rolls.

"Do you take anything in your coffee?" he asked, rummaging in the refrigerator.

"Just a little milk or cream. Either one is fine," she answered, drooling from the incredible smell of cinnamon filling her nose from the yummy looking cinnamon rolls.

"Do you want one?" he inquired when he caught her staring at the delectable doughy goodness.

"Oh, please," she almost begged.

One of her weaknesses was baked sweet treats of any kind especially when they were still warm. She had once devoured a whole apple pie before it reached the family table for dessert. Her mother had been so angry. She smiled with the memory while gratefully accepting the luscious treat he handed her with white icing rolling down its sides. Moaning loudly when she bit into the soft fluffy roll, she unintentionally caught him off guard and watched as he splashed milk across the counter as well as in her coffee.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she mumbled around the mouthful of cinnamon roll. "It's just so good."

"I can tell," he muttered, wiping up the milk with a paper towel.

Kokuro giggled to see his face turn even darker. She was dumbfounded when he reached across the counter to brush his thumb across her bottom lip before sticking it in his mouth. Her eyes remained on his face, staring at him until he grew uncomfortable with her direct scrutiny.

"Icing," he explained, watching her tongue dart out over her lower lip. He wanted to kiss her so very much in that moment just like when he woke up and found her enveloped in his arms with her face nestled against his neck. Kissing her now would be so tantalizing because she would taste sweet from the sugar coating on her lips.

Kokuro kept her eyes on him as he came around the counter with a determined expression in his dark brown eyes. Emitting a shrill squeak of astonishment but offering no physical objection as he pressed his lips against hers, she gripped the seat beneath her to keep from falling off. Why would she object? She had fantasized about him kissing her dozens of times. She held her breath as his tongue licked over her bottom lip then her top lip to literally taste her. Her lips parted with a sigh and his tongue eagerly entered her mouth. She was sure her brain exploded or melted or suffered some kind of irreparable damage as he kissed her more tenderly with more raw, sincere emotion than she had ever experienced in her life from a man. Her hands moved to his neck, her fingers moving into the short hair at the nape of his neck. She felt him pull away suddenly and her bleary eyes could not focus on his face which she was sure was beet red with a stunned expression.

"Oh, oh, my god! Dr. Tsukino, I-I'm s-so s-sorry," he stammered horribly in his mortification.

"Call me Kokuro, Touta," she said, bringing his mouth back to hers. She sighed noisily in exasperation when he pulled back before she could capture his lips.

"B-but d-doctor!" he protested loudly, half-heartedly trying to free himself from her grip as she held onto his shoulders firmly.

"Touta, you're fired. You're no longer my patient," she announced, taking on a stern voice of authority. Her eyes met his, holding them steadfastly to show him she was rather serious in her declaration.

"But why?" he asked, tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

"Because I can't do this with a patient," she answered, pulling his mouth back down to hers.

Touta stepped closer to her, sliding his arms around her shoulders while her hands pressed to his cheeks to hold his lips to hers. He would not try to escape her again for any reason at the moment. A muffled grunt of surprise was lost between them when her legs wrapped around his waist. With the knowledge that he was no longer her patient, he gave into the emotions he had been developing for her. He pulled her close, kissing her with a renewed fervor that made her heart beat faster as he pressed her chest against his.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked her when her hands went to the buttons on his shirt.

"Yes, I'm sure," Kokuro responded, more sure of this than any decision she had made in quite a while. He had come far enough in his recovery that it would not be devastating for him to find a new psychologist. She was also tired of fighting the emotions she harbored for him. She should not be forced to feel guilty or lecherous for caring about someone. Tired of being the one who was always logical and sets her feelings aside, for once she was willing to take a chance. However it turned out, she was willing to gamble her emotions on him.

"Kokuro," Touta moaned, kissing her as she pushed his shirt off and slid her hands over his bare chest. It was ironic that despite having a drawer full of white t-shirts, he was not wearing one now. All the better for him – and her.

Kokuro was amazed by how smooth and soft his skin felt over the taut muscles beneath. He was not a muscle bound meat-head but she liked that about him. Her lips pressed against his neck, drawing a groan from his lips that sent shivers of arousal down her spine. She had never _wanted_ a man in her life but she desired him more greatly than she could have fathomed in her wildest fantasies about him. This thought caught her unawares and she halted her movements to pull back and look into his handsome face. The innocent openness he usually retained had been replaced by a lusty expression which gave him a virility that she could not ignore.

"What? What is it?" he asked, somewhat concerned as she gaped at him. Was she having second thoughts? Had she come to her senses and realized this was not a good idea after all? Just as his misgivings were about to solidify in his mind, she astonished him by pulling the t-shirt over her head to reveal her body to him. Unable to speak, he reached out to touch her breasts while lowering his mouth back down to hers.

Kokuro sighed with pleasure, pressing her breasts into his soft, gentle hands. Her hands flattened against his belly as he kissed her delicately while he caressed her breasts until the nipples were hard, aching little peaks that poked his palms. She was reluctant for his lips to leave hers but glad when they pressed a trail of light, teasing kisses down her neck and chest that led to one of her highly stimulated nipples. Enveloping his neck with her arms, she held him closely as he tentatively poked out his tongue to lick over the piece of overstimulated flesh. She jumped and squealed from the contact of his warm, wet tongue with her hypersensitive nipple.

Touta chuckled from her strangely adverse yet intriguing reaction. He licked over it again to be rewarded with a lustful moan that enlightened him that it did indeed feel good to her. After doing it one more time to bring another exclamation of pleasure from her, he latched on to the rigid flesh to suck lightly.

"Oh, Touta," she groaned in his ear, sliding her fingers through his silky hair. Burying her face into his soft mane, she did not mind that it tickled her nose. She liked the fresh clean smell of him that indicated he had gotten up and taken a shower while she was still snoozing.

Emboldened by her obvious signs of enjoyment from his ministrations, Touta raised her up from the bar stool. Moving his hands underneath her buttocks to get a firm grip on her, he lifted her up. When she encircled his body with her arms and legs, he proceeded to move down the hall to his bedroom.

Kokuro was surprised with the man's strength, assuming a lot of it was adrenaline driven from his sexual excitement. Whatever it was, she did not care and kissed him as he toted her to his bed. The prospect of making love to him had only been a fantasy for them both but was quickly becoming a reality as he lay her on the bed they had slept in together last night. Goose bumps raised over her whole body as his fingers skimmed down her sides, hooking over the top of her panties. She lifted her behind, keeping her hands on his shoulders as he slid her panties down her legs. A giggle escaped her her when he shot them somewhere across the room after pulling on them like a rubber band.

"Would you get down here so I can kiss you?" she laughed, pulling him down on top of her by using the waistband of his pants.

Touta lay down on top of her, kissing her senseless one more time since she was being so demanding about it. He inhaled sharply when he felt her fingers slide over his waistband to unbutton then unzip his pants. Raising his hips off of her as he kissed her, he assisted her with removing the last barrier between them without ever removing his lips from hers.

"Now that's talent," she giggled, pressing her hands against his chest while he hovered over her.

"You haven't seen anything yet," he murmured, positioning himself between her legs.

"Mmmm, I like the new, confident you," she returned, crying out with pleasure when he pushed into her body. She held onto him as he gradually impaled her in an unhurried, teasing manner. In their present intimate state he was so different from the shy, unsure man she knew. It was a complete turn on. She raised her hips into him, wanting more of him as he continued his painstakingly slow entrance to her body.

"Kokuro," Touta whispered, lowering his mouth to her neck as he began to move himself inside of her. He licked and nibbled her elegant neck, making her call his name over and over as he both teased her and pleased her simultaneously.

'Oh, my god! This guy must be the best kept secret in Japan,' she thought to herself as he ravaged her body with pure bliss. If she had known it would be like this she probably would have given into temptation much sooner which would not have been good for either of them.

Kokuro arched her back, burying her head in the pillow as he sped up his movements which rushed the pleasure through her body at a faster rate. She bit her lower lip, moaning enthusiastically as she approached a climax. She was not ready to be overwhelmed yet but she was powerless to stop it as he thrust into her and pushed her over the edge into the abyss of unadulterated blissful sensation. Her body thrashed from side to side beneath his, goading him on until he reached an orgasm that made him cry out her name.

"Oh, Touta," she murmured, pulling his lips down to hers for a sweet kiss to make the warm afterglow of sex even more meaningful. "Damn, you're the sweetest thing."

"No pun intended right?" he joked to remind her the whole thing began with the icing incident.

"Nope, definitely not intended. You're wonderful," she complimented, kissing him again.

"So does this mean we're free to have a relationship? You did fire me as your patient and since you're no longer my psychologist, I thought –"

Kokuro cut him off with another, more passionate kiss to relay her feelings without words.

"I'll take that as a yes," he mumbled against her lips as she held onto him by the ears.

"You should. Would you like to make love to me again?"

"Oh, yes."


	5. Busted

"So, Matsuda, how was your weekend?" Captain Aizawa asked upon seeing his beaming subordinate on Monday morning.

Shuichi pretty much knew how the weekend went because it showed on the man's face, and he knew who he left the bar with on Friday night. He could not help but smile at the man's goofier than usual ear to ear grin. Touta virtually glowed which he thought only women did after sex but his young friend had always been a little different than most men anyway. But not _that _different which he had wondered about a few times since the man was so painfully shy around women.

"It was fabulous, Captain," Matsuda responded with a sigh, sitting down at his desk.

"Well, you're without a doubt in love. Did you make that pretty lady your girlfriend?" he nosily inquired, resisting the urge to chuckle when he received a gaping stare from one of his most trusted officers.

"Uh, yeah," he answered, closing his mouth as he continued to stare at his boss who seemed genuinely amused.

"I suppose you need another counselor now?" Aizawa inquired, pulling a card from the breast pocket of his jacket.

"Yes, sir," Matsuda replied politely, having come to himself and remembering he was talking to his superior at work. He took the card and looked at it to see that the name of this psychologist belonged to a man. Gazing after his boss as he walked off, he could not help but wonder if the man had planned for this to happen all along.

~...~

"Kaiya? Why are you calling me at work?" Kokuro asked, slightly annoyed. Her sister never called her at work unless it was an emergency. Judging by the lilting tone in her sister's voice, it was _not_ an emergency.

"How was your weekend?" Kaiya inquired in that irritating sing-song voice.

"Good. Why? I have things to do, you know," she muttered impatiently. She had been in the process of closing out Touta Matsuda's file to prepare it for whoever would be his next counselor.

"Meet any interesting men this weekend?"

"No! And that Katsuo guy was a real jerk. Don't ever set me up with someone prettier than me again, okay?"

"Okay," her sister giggled. "You sound happy. So what did you do for the rest of your weekend?"

"Is that sarcasm?" she countered knowing her aggravation was apparent in her tone.

"No, dear sister, it's not sarcasm. You're using enough for the both of us. Hey, why don't you meet me at The Garden for lunch or do you need something meaty to tear into?" Kaiya asked allowing cattiness to filter into her voice. The Garden was her favorite vegetarian restaurant which she knew her sister did not care too much for.

"That's fine," Kokuro rejoined, ignoring the last remark. "See you at noon, sis."

~...~

Kokuro arrived at five minutes after noon to find her sister on the outside dining patio of the restaurant with a table full of food. She was too hungry to be irritated that her sister had already ordered for her. As she stared at the selection of salad greens, fruit, and cheese, she suddenly wished she had requested they go to the steak restaurant down the street. She was starving and rabbit food was not going to fill her up. The server brought a tray full of hummus and assorted veggies with pita bread so she consoled herself with that.

"So what's his name?" Kaiya asked, preparing her sister a salad.

"What?" she mumbled around a mouthful of chickpea dip and tomato flavored pita. When her sister ignored her and continued to concoct the vegetarian delight, she supplied the requested information. "Touta Matsuda."

"Oh, the cute little cop who was your patient?" she queried, receiving a harsh glare.

"All right," Kokuro grumbled, throwing down the bite of food she was about to cram in her mouth. "Tell what the hell is going on…NOW!"

"You know his Chief, Shuichi Aizawa, and I were classmates right? We go back a long way and – "

"I swear to god, you are the nosiest bitch ever."

"Koko!" her sister yelled, truly appalled by her younger sibling's language. "You know, I will still whip your ass if the occasion calls for it. If mama were alive –"

"But mama's not alive, Kaiya," she countered keeping her voice neutral. She grabbed her sister's hand to give it a gentle squeeze to show she was not being intentionally cruel. "You can't replace her. You never had to. Just stop worrying about me so much. I am horribly offended and worried that you have taken such an avid interest in my love life however. Shouldn't you be lavishing all of that attention on your own husband?"

"Hideki* isn't nearly as interesting as you are," she joked, giggling lightly. "Don't worry he gets his fair share of my attention."

"No details, please," Kokuro requested covering her ears. Apprehension sprung to life deep within her when she watched her sister's beautiful face practically crumble into an expression of heart break and despair.

"I'm pregnant, Koko," she blurted, tears streaming down her face.

Kokuro stared at her sister in disbelief. Kaiya had been trying to get pregnant for years so why wasn't she happy about this? She took her sister's hands between hers.

"That's great!" she exclaimed, patting her sister's hand. Confusion took complete control of her brain as her sister's silent tears evolved into gut wrenching sobs.

"You don't understand!" she wailed, pushing a stray strand of black hair behind her ear as she leveled her teary hazel eyes on her sister. "It's not Hikeki's baby! It's Shuichi's!"

"Oh, shit," Kokuro mumbled, pressing the heel of her hand against her temple as if attempting to push the knowledge into her already bewildered brain.

How the hell did this happen besides the obvious way of course? Kokuro held her pounding head between her hands as her sister proceeded to tell her how her affair with Shuichi began soon after the Kira case had ended. Kaiya had gone to Shuichi's office to speak with him about Hideki and his odd behavior coupled with bad nightmares since his return home. The affair began that day when her longtime friend and classmate had attempted to comfort her when she got upset. The soothing embrace led to a kiss which steered them toward whispered promises of a covert meeting later to discuss things. The chat turned into a sexual liaison that was the beginning of an ongoing affair that they were hiding from both of their spouses.

"God, Kaiya, what the hell – "

"Shut up, Koko, please and just listen. That's what you do best right?" she asked her sister, pleading with her sibling using her tear filled, bloodshot eyes.

Crap! Now even her sister was taking advantage of her career. But of course, for her sister she did not mind. She only wished Kaiya had come to her instead of Shuichi to talk about Hideki to prevent this whole damn mess. The realization that Shuichi and Kaiya must have plotted to get her together with Touta hit her with the mental force of a train impacting a stranded vehicle on the tracks.

"Oh, my god!" she gasped, shivering in disgust when she assumed it was probably planned during their pillow talk after a torrid sexual encounter.

"What? Are you okay?" her sister asked her with concern knitting her dark eyebrows together.

"No, not really but please continue," Kokuro said, forcing down the bile that rose in her throat. This was almost too much for her to handle.

"Well, that's pretty much it. I don't want to get into any details."

"Thank god."

Kaiya grimaced and scowled at her sister. She was beginning to realize too late she might have laid too much on her, taking her position as a psychologist for granted. Kokuro was still her sister and had a far more personal stake in her private life and problems than she would a patient's. It was too late now and it was all told.

"I need to leave. I have to get back to the office. The best advice I can give you is to end the affair," Kokuro stated frankly no longer feeling hungry despite having only eaten two or three bites of food. She glared at her sister when she opened her mouth to protest. She would strangle her older sister in front of God and everybody if she dared to utter the words 'But I love him' to justify continuing her actions. "End it or divorce Hideki. It's not fair. I don't know what you're going to tell him about the baby. Good luck with that."

Kokuro hated being so cold to her own flesh and blood but she had to kick herself into the highest gear of professional to stem the tide of tears that wanted to flow. She could not believe it. How could her sister do that? And to play matchmaker in the midst of it. How dare she?

~...~

"What's wrong?" Touta asked when he opened his door to see a pale, troubled Kokuro standing there.

"I-I've had a b-bad day," she stammered, taking his hand when he held it out to her.

Touta pulled her cold, shivering body into his arms. He felt her relax into him before she unleashed the tirade of tears. It frightened him a little at first because she had always seemed so strong and impervious to emotions. Apparently that was just a façade she put up during work hours and around patients. Since neither applied at the moment, he was getting to see a whole new side of her; one that he did not know existed. Holding her tightly, he felt her shudder violently before an errant sob burst forth from her mouth.

"Kokuro, what –" His words were abruptly stopped when her mouth covered his for an intense, unexpected kiss.

Kokuro pressed her body to his, sliding her arms around his shoulders. She could not get close enough to him. The afternoon had been spent replaying the conversation with her sister in her head. She had been so distracted she had been forced to reschedule the afternoon's appointments for another day. It was not clear to her why her sister's confession disturbed her so terribly but it did. Maybe it was because she had always seen her sister's marriage as happy and loving, the way a marriage should be – perfect. The last shred of hope, her last bastion of faith in marriage, had been shattered. It hurt to lose the final bit of tenuous confidence she had in the long standing institution and in her beloved big sister. Kaiya had always been her idol, who she wanted to be like when she grew up and now…now…

"Kokuro, please," Touta supplicated, pushing her away so he could suck in much needed air.

"Do you know what it's like to lose faith in someone you believed in so much…someone you love?" she asked, feeling his body stiffen momentarily.

"Yes, yes, I do," he responded patiently, stroking her hair as if she were a much adored pet.

"I'm sorry. I forgot," she murmured, embracing him tightly. If anyone knew how she he felt, he really did. She did not bother to elaborate on what she meant, and she was grateful that he did not ask.

Touta led her to the couch, pulling her down with him and right into his arms. He held her, rather content to have her in his arms. Making love to her had been a breathtaking, ethereal experience. Being in love with her, despite what she had said, was absolutely amazing and he would enjoy the adrenaline rush as long as he could. He loved the way she made him feel. For the first time in his life he did not feel like a useless idiot; he felt strong and capable as he soothed her and calmed her down. Occasionally he pressed a soft kiss to her forehead or cheek as she lay snuggled against his chest. The tranquil silence stretched between them, and he was satisfied to let it be as long as she remained in his arms.

Kokuro raised her head finally, smiling at him. She knew he had no idea how much it meant to her just to be held, to be lulled without words and just his compassionate actions. Words; sometimes she felt like she spoke too many, and she knew she heard too many. She kissed him, chastely and briefly at first. Her eyes met his brown ones that seemed to invite her for more so she happily obliged the wordless request by kissing him again, longer and more zealously. Arousal instantly awakened every nerve in her body when his searching tongue pushed through her slightly parted lips. In his gentle probing of her mouth, his tongue found hers and caressed it which brought a guttural groan of pleasure from deep within her throat.

"Kokuro, can I…do you want…" Words failed him but actions did not when he kissed her while squeezing her breasts.

"Yes, I do. Very much," she rejoined, pulling up her skirt so she could straddle his hips. She moaned with satisfaction when he raised the hard swelling in his pants against her.

"I want you for more than sex," he gasped as her fingers steadily worked to unbutton his shirt.

'I don't care at this moment,' Kokuro thought to herself but refrained from saying the words by claiming his mouth instead as she pulled his t-shirt from his pants.

"What do you want from me?" he asked, grabbing her by the head to hold her back from kissing him. He pushed her hands away from his pants when she ignored the question and tried to continue undressing him. "Please, please tell me."

Kokuro closed her eyes not wanting to look into those depthless and emotion filled brown eyes of his. He truly could speak a thousand words with just one glance. It was killing her because although she liked what he was saying, she did not know if she could return the sentiment.

"Open your eyes and look at me. Tell me," he implored her, taking her hands in his.

"I can't," she murmured, opening her eyes to look at him. "I can't tell you what you want to hear."

"I'm not asking you to do that. Tell me what you feel," he said, pressing his hand against her rapidly beating heart. He could feel her heart fluttering against the palm of his hand like a butterfly trapped in a spider's web attempting to free itself. His eyes met hers that held the slightest bit of fear. "You have nothing to fear from me."

"It's not me I'm worried about," she confessed. She had no illusions about herself and knew she had the capability of shutting her feelings down with a matter of a few thoughts. She had the ability to talk herself out of anything, even of being in love. Did she really want to do turn her back on love this time?

"Take a chance with me. You won't regret it," he assured her. "You don't have to say you love me but just allow yourself to feel something." He was not trying to talk her into loving him. He just wanted her to know that he was openly and sincerely giving her his heart with no expectations and no ulterior motives.

"Touta," Kokuro breathed his name, leaning down to kiss him. Taking a deep breath, she allowed the surge of feelings and adrenaline to flow through her unchecked as her lips touched his. The purity and authenticity of the kiss he gave her in return literally took her breath away. With just one kiss it was over; she found herself in love with Touta Matsuda. Right now, there was no where she would rather be.

* * *

*Hideki Ide, one of the Japanese task force members from the Kira case is Kaiya's husband.


	6. Broken

Kokuro was sitting at her desk when a sudden burst of angry voices and a shriek sounded on the other side of her door. As she was crossing the room to the door, it burst open with such force she was surprised it did not fly off the hinges. Her irate brother-in-law, Hideki, stood there glaring at her with murderous intent. She halted her steps momentarily before backing to her desk to grab her cell phone. Pressing the button to dial Touta, she held the phone behind her back as the man stomped across the room to her. His footsteps banged on the hardwood floor keeping cadence with her heart that was slamming into her sternum with fear. She had never seen him so angry before in the eight years he had been married to her sister. It had been several weeks since her sister's confession at the restaurant and apparently Kaiya had finally confessed everything to her husband. Why was he coming after her? She had no idea what had been going on with them.

"Why, Koko? Tell me why?" he yelled in her face causing her to back away from him.

Kokuro winced away from him because he was so close he was breathing on her with hot, alcohol tainted breath. "Why what, Hideki? Good god! It's nine in the morning and you're drunk," she muttered, backing away further.

Touta was listening on the other end of the phone, gripping it until his knuckles had turned white. He had picked up his phone, happy to see Kokuro's number on his caller ID until he heard the accusatory shouting of his friend and fellow officer. Hideki had not shown up to work and had not been answering the calls himself and Chief Aizawa had been making to find the man. He signaled the Chief as he was walking by before writing Hideki's name on a piece of paper. Holding up the paper, he pointed at the phone.

Aizawa grabbed Touta by the collar, pulling him out of his chair. "Where is he?"

"Kokuro's office. I think she might be in trouble," Touta said, listening to the conversation through the phone.

"Let's go get him," Aizawa declared, releasing Matsuda's collar.

"Do you think you should go?" Matsuda asked, unable to keep the harsh tone from his voice.

"What do you mean?" his boss inquired suspiciously. "How much do you know?"

"Too much. She is my girlfriend. She came home to me crying. It was a heavy load for her. She loves her sister. It was a serious shock to her," he explained, putting his hand on the man's shoulder. He observed the change in expression from anger to shame on Shuichi's face. "I'm not judging you. I'm just concerned for everyone involved. Right now, Kokuro in particular. Let's go."

Touta grabbed Shuichi by the collar this time and proceeded to drag him to the vehicle. They needed to get to Kokuro's office in a hurry.

Kokuro covered her face with her hands as Hideki slammed down the lead crystal vase that shattered in a burst of diamond like shards. She pressed her body against the wall in the corner he had trapped her in. Full blown terror had seized her mind and it was hard to think. However, she had to stay calm and think clearly to keep him (and herself) from completely losing it.

"How could she do this?" he asked for what seemed the tenth time.

"I-I don't know, Hideki. I don't understand the whole thing myself," she murmured truthfully as if talking loudly would upset him further which it might in his highly agitated state.

Kokuro averted her eyes from his as he leaned toward her threateningly. Avoiding eye contact was something she had done since he arrived. She had never seen him like this because he had always been such a quiet, easygoing man. However who wouldn't freak out from the information he had received? How in the hell had Kaiya broken it too him? No matter how it was said, it would undoubtedly be devastating. She could understand his intense anger; however, she could not comprehend his bursting into her office to take it out on her. Possibly he came to her because he needed help coping with the news, and she was the first person he thought of. She received her answer when he dropped to his knees and pressed his face against her belly while sobbing like a child. Staring down at the broken man, slightly embarrassed by his unrestrained display of emotion, she placed her hand on his head. Closing her eyes, she leaned against the wall to keep herself from falling as he wept out the rest of his wrath and hurt. She had been correct in that he had never wanted to hurt her at all; he was just too distraught to think clearly.

The door swung open and hit the wall with a bang. Kokuro jumped from the unexpected sound but Hideki was too far gone into his emotional hysterics to notice. She was dismayed to see the first person through the door was Chief Aizawa with his gun drawn. Curling her body around the upset man clinging to her, she glared at the man who was a key player in this whole mess.

"What is wrong with you? Get the hell out of here," she hissed with an expression on her face that held deadly implications for the man receiving it. "You shouldn't be here at all."

Touta moved around his boss, pushing him backwards toward the door. He never thought he would see the day where he was the one thinking rationally and keeping calm. Today was that day. It could not have come at a more vital moment. After removing Shuichi from the room, he went to Hideki and Kokuro placing his hands on each side of her face after she stood up from her protective stance.

"Are you all right?" he asked her, staring into her golden green eyes.

"I'm fine. I'm sorry I called you, but I was afraid," she said, leaning into him when he kissed her forehead.

Touta could not be happier that she had called him in her time of need. He was the knight in shining armor who had come to save his damsel in distress. Thankfully, she had not been in that much peril after all. Looking down at the man who was still on his knees sobbing helplessly, he could not help but feel sorry for him. He knew what it felt like to be totally destroyed, broken into a million pieces. His eyes moved to the gorgeous face of the dark haired woman trying to comfort his associate and her brother-in-law. He was grateful he had found someone to not only put him back together but to hold him together – to love him.

"What the hell did that idiot come for?" Kokuro questioned him, staring at the door as if she could burn a hole through it and the man on the other side.

"Because he's an idiot," Touta returned barely able to contain the smile that wanted to break across his face. There was something deeply gratifying about finally being able to return the favor to the man who had called him an idiot thousands of times over the years.

"I don't understand, Koko, I don't understand," Hideki mumbled, tightening his arms around her waist.

Kokuro had unintentionally forgotten he was there when Touta walked into the room. She had been so relieved to see him the rest of the situation had just disappeared. Lowering herself to her knees in front of her despondent brother-in-law, she wrapped her arms around his shuddering body as he continued to sob. At the moment, she was acting as a concerned sister-in-law. When he needed a counselor he would have to find someone else. It would be too much of a professional conflict for her not to mention the emotional implications. She was still angry with Kaiya herself for the betrayal; not only of her husband but of her as well.

Kaiya was supposed to be the big sister: the one she had always looked up to, the one she wanted to be like. Kokuro had envied her sister at one point and that had distressed her greatly. She had wanted her sister's life because it seemed so perfect and happy; a husband, a career, and a home with a two car garage and even a white picket fence. They did not have a baby yet and that was the one thing they were missing. Well, Kaiya had her baby now but would she have her husband?

"Hideki, I can't imagine how badly you hurt right now, but you have to get through this. I can recommend a counselor to you and –"

"But I want to talk to you," he insisted after cutting her words off.

"I can't do it. She's my sister. I'm angry with her too and I don't understand this either. I can't…I just can't," she murmured, her voice trailing off when emotions threatened to overwhelm her.

Touta knelt down beside her, pulling his friend and colleague away from her to look at him. It was breaking his heart to see the devastated man before him. Ide had always been so stoic and quiet, never showing emotion, never showing he had a care in the world either. He had been under the same impression as his girlfriend that the mans' life was paradise and nothing could disturb that. Throwing a hard glance at the door, he checked to make sure Aizawa was staying out of sight.

"Talk to me. Tell me about it. I won't be of much help but to listen but you need that right now," Touta said, shoving her out of the way and jerking his head toward the door as a signal for her to leave.

Kokuro swiftly made her way to the door, closing it behind her. She had no idea what Touta would say, but she had faith in him that he would handle the situation well since he was so kind hearted and thoughtful. She held her up phone and began scrolling through numbers to pick a colleague for Hideki to see. A preemptive call to speak to them would be in order before referring him. Bumping into someone, she mumbled 'excuse me' without looking up and stepped to the side to go around the human obstacle. She gasped when her arm was grabbed, and she was whirled around to face yet another upset man. This time it was the grumpy Chief Aizawa who was pale and shaky, appearing nearly as freaked out the man she had just left in her office. The far reaching effects of an affair were dreadful. She was furious with Shuichi and Kaiya. If they could have only thought past their own pain, there would not be so much fallout from their selfishness.

"What do you want?" Kokuro queried, glaring at him fiercely. Her hand came across his face with such astonishing swiftness and strength it knocked the already dazed man against the wall. After a sharp gasp and a quick recovery from her shock, she hissed in his face, "How could you?"

"I-I d-don't kn-know," he stammered, gazing at her with confusion clouded eyes. At this time, now that he was capable of rational thought, he really didn't know how he could have gotten himself into this situation.

"Bastard," she snarled, raising her hand to slap him again. Her wrist was caught in mid-swing and she whipped her head around to glare at the person who stopped her. "Hideki! What the hell are – "

"Stop, just stop, okay," he stated in a soft voice devoid of emotion. He sounded just plain tired at this point. "This won't solve anything."

"You're right, but it's making _me_ feel better," Kokuro snapped, snatching her wrist out of her brother-in-law's limp grip. She was not sure which made her more livid: seeing her brother-in-law so hurt or Aizawa thinking he had the right to be hurt. Her eyes locked onto the man in front of her glowering at him so intensely if looks could kill her would be dead.

"What's wrong with you?" Touta whispered in her ear, pulling her away from Aizawa before she hit him again. He already thought the man needed an ice pack for the heated red handprint that was making his cheek swell. It was a good thing she had not used a closed fist because the man would probably be unconscious.

"Nothing is wrong with me," she growled back, grunting when he shoved her against the wall and kissed her. She wanted to protest, to shove him away, and yell at him for pulling such a dirty trick. Instead, she closed her eyes and allowed her body to relax as he kissed her. Wrapping her arms around his waist, she pulled herself against him for a comforting hug. She had never needed someone before like she needed him. She was meant to be his saving grace, the one to hold him together. Somehow he had become that for her.


	7. Love

Kokuro traced the intricate pattern of the print on the pillow with her forefinger as she lay on her stomach with the pillow beneath her chest. She aimlessly stared at nothing, allowing her thoughts to wander. Sighing deeply, she relished the magnificent feeling of being completely sated sexually. A small gasp escaped her lips when Touta leaned over her to press a kiss to her shoulder. She sighed with satisfaction when he settled next to her, pressing the full length of his naked body to hers. The closeness of his body comforted her as did the delicate, unspoken intimacy of their hopelessly tangled emotions.

It had been a few weeks since the confrontation with Hideki in her office. She had avoided seeing her brother-in-law and even her sister thinking it best they get several counseling sessions beneath their belt before a family reunion. The holidays were coming up and she was afraid the interaction would be awkward at best, hopefully not excruciatingly uncomfortable, for all involved. She and Touta had used the time to forge a closer bond and strengthen their relationship since everyone else's seemed to be in tatters. She had not asked him how all of this was effecting Shuichi Aizawa because in the end she really did not give a damn. The only person she felt sorry for there was Aizawa's wife. Touta's relationship with his coworkers seemed unfazed and he never mentioned any strange feelings or interactions with the men so she never asked. She made a conscious effort to not function as his counselor anymore and only as his girlfriend. She asked how his day was at work and if he offered information fine, but she would not pry it out of him like she was trained.

"Koko," he sighed, nuzzling into her hair. He had begun calling her that soon after the incident. It seemed all of the people who knew her familiarly and loved her the most called her that so why shouldn't he?

Kokuro shivered and giggled when he kissed her neck. Something long and hard rubbed against her bare thigh so she turned on her side to invite him to take her. He had an astounding recovery time. She was surprised after the rambunctiousness of their last encounter he would be ready for another go around so soon. Pressing her lips to his, she pulled him into her arms and rolled over to put him on top. He could do all the work this time. She was tired.

"Koko," Touta murmured again, avoiding her kiss.

"What is it?" she asked apprehensively as he stared down at her. What could it be? Hopefully the fallout from everyone else's failing relationships was not seeping into theirs. Not this soon.

"I-I…I, uh, want, um, need to say something," he faltered, kissing the tip of her nose. He could see the anxiety growing in her eyes. He knew he needed to say it, to let her know, but he was afraid it might make her run. Worse yet, what if she did not say it back?

"You can tell me anything," she assured him, pressing her hands to his cheeks. Kissing his lips, she attempted to soothe his obvious nervousness. Whatever it was produced enough anxiety to make his body quake and caused him to lose his erection. What the hell was wrong with him?

"I love you!" he gushed, tightening his arms around her as if to keep her from retreating physically despite her emotional reaction.

"Oh, god," she gasped before she could stop herself. She closed her eyes, wishing her stomach had not fallen to her toes because it made her feel nauseated. That had not been an appropriate response and she could not bear to open her eyes to see the emotional hurt she had caused him by her adverse reaction. Her breathing came in shallow ragged gasps as he held her tightly, laying his cheek against hers. Goosebumps rose over her body when his lips moved, brushing across the outer curve of her ear.

"It's okay. I didn't expect you to say it back. I just wanted to tell you how I felt. It's important to me that you know," he whispered, kissing her cheek.

"Touta, I – " Her words died away when he covered her mouth for one of his amazing breath stealing kisses that prevented her from thinking as well.

"It's okay. I'm not going anywhere. I hope you don't either," he stated rather emotionlessly, looking into her jewel like eyes.

"I'm not," she responded, brushing her fingers through the bangs that fell over his eyes. "I won't."

Kokuro breathed his name when he unexpectedly slid into her, hard and ready. She pressed her hands against his smooth, bare chest before kissing his soft skin over his heart. She did love him and it scared the hell out of her. Struggling with her emotions, she whispered his name as he made love to her with such sweetness and intensity his emotions were being conveyed to her physically with no misunderstanding. Tears sprang to her eyes as the pleasure escalated, pushing her toward being overcome with pleasure and her own feelings.

"Touta, please," she begged, pulling him down on top of her to hold him close to her.

"Please what, Koko?" he asked, finding it difficult to move but unable to stop nonetheless.

"Please, don't stop," she pled with him, gasping in ecstasy when he jerked his hips forward.

"It never even crossed my mind," he replied, seizing her mouth with his for a passionate kiss.

Their bodies moved over one another easily from the light sheen of sweat that had formed from their fervent physical activity. As they slipped and slid together for each meeting of bliss, both of them uttered words or moans of their enjoyment to the other. It was incredibly arousing and extremely pleasing right to the marvelous conclusion.

"I love you," Touta whispered as he held her quaking, pleasure saturated body in his arms.

"I love you too," Kokuro rejoined in kind unafraid to admit her feelings due to the euphoria she was experiencing.

Touta smiled, holding her close to him as a heavenly sense of elation spread over him. He did not care if it was spoken in the heat of passion. She had uttered the words he doubted if he would ever hear out of her mouth under any circumstances.

~\..'../~

* * *

Kokuro sat at her desk daydreaming about the man who had managed to arrest her heart. A smile lifted up the corners of her mouth as a contented sigh left her lips. She was happy. Ecstatic even. For the first time in a long time she felt the fabulously thrilling effects of an adrenaline rush every time she conjured a vision of a pair of deep brown eyes that always held her gaze so lovingly. Stretching out her arms and leaning back in her chair, she closed her eyes and allowed her mind to drift to more private memories when they shared not only their bodies but their feelings. Biting her lower lip, her body responded with an unexpected burst of sexual arousal as she recalled some of the delightful sensations he had stirred within her on those occasions.

"Hey! Kokuro, what – " The words halted on the tongue of her loud mouthed male colleague after he burst right into her office without a polite knock or any kind of warning at all.

Kokuro had responded by jumping out of the chair and pressing her palm to her racing heart. Regrettably, her action had brought attention to her chest which his eyes were firmly locked on at the moment as he remained speechless but only momentarily.

"Are you all right? Are you cold?" he inquired, a lecherous twinkle in his bright cornflower blue eyes behind his rectangular glasses.

Kokuro looked down to see her nipples were rigid enough they were visibly poking into her silk shirt and the creep in front of her was enjoying the view. Picking up her stapler, she threw it at him. To her dismay, he dodged easily allowing it to hit the floor with a loud bang. Running a hand through his shoulder length blond hair, he confidently swaggered over to her.

"Chizue, you're such a pervert," she growled as he backed her into the wall.

Chizue Wakahisa* was the office lech and completely unapologetic for it. To make matters worse, he was the resident grief counselor. It was well known that he took advantage of grieving widows and mourning women in general yet by some miracle or cruel trick of fate he had somehow bypassed losing his license or getting sued. Despite dealing with death and sorrow all the time, he still held a sunny outlook on life and always wore a smile. Maybe his unrelenting lasciviousness and constant string of conquests gave him a reason to smile in addition to the constant flood of orgasm induced endorphins flooding his system.

"Creep," she muttered, when he rubbed his nose against hers and kissed her forehead.

"What were you thinking about, my dear?" he asked, sitting down in her chair and propping his feet on her desk.

"Nothing you would be interested in," she countered, shoving his feet off her desk hard enough he spun around in her cushy leather chair. She sat down on her desk rather than making him vacate her chair. She viewed him as an annoying little brother and had told him so which made him leave her alone for the most part with only occasional bouts of flirtatiousness to deal with.

"Oh?" He grabbed her knees and pulled himself forward, staring up at her like an inquisitive child. His bright blue eyes fixed themselves on her face for a fantastic change and pleaded with her to share. "By the look on your face when I walked in I think I would be _very_ interested in knowing what you were thinking."

"Jerk," she snapped, grinning like an idiot and avoiding his intense gaze. "I swear, I don't know how you keep your job."

"Because I'm just that good," he responded egotistically, jumping up from the chair. He sat beside her on the desk, draping his arm comfortably and little too cozily over her shoulders.

"Did you have a _reason_ for crashing in here?" she inquired, grabbing his hand and dragging his arm over her head to removing it from her shoulders. 'Other than to irritate me,' she wanted to add but did not.

"Oh, yes, actually I do. I'm headed to the Whispering Pines Rest Homes. They've had a sudden spate of deaths there and I need someone to help me. I can't handle the load of the grief stricken loved ones that need counseling," he explained nonchalantly and emotionlessly as if he were discussing the weather.

"Honestly, Chizue you're a heartless bastard," she muttered, getting off the desk.

"What am I supposed to do? Be broken up over every person's loss?" he questioned her, following her like a lost puppy. "You know as well as I do I'd be an even bigger emotional screw up than I am now if I let it get to me."

"Oh, my god, I never expected you to admit it," she mumbled, turning around too abruptly only to have him run right into her chest. She jumped back to remove his head from her cleavage. "I wish you were taller."

"I love it when you wear heels," he returned breathlessly with a big grin.

"Ugh, you're disgusting," Kokuro growled with a sneer of apparent revulsion.

"Please, help me. It really is overwhelming and these are hurting people who need help. I know you don't have any appointments because I checked with the receptionist so don't lie to me," Chizue warned her, turning dreadfully serious.

'Damn him and I'll pay that hapless fawner back who has no chance with him,' she thought to herself, pressing her lips together into a thin line of anger.

It was a widely known and much laughed at fact that the receptionist, Haruka, had a terminal crush on Chizue who held no interest in her whatsoever. She would do anything for him and he ruthlessly abused that fact. What an all-around asshole he could be with no remorse whatsoever.

"You owe me big for this," Kokuro told him although she already knew she would never get any kind of compensation whatsoever for assisting him.

"I know one good way you could thank me that would be mutually beneficial," he announced happily with a big smile.

"Not just no, but hell no you pervert." She turned her back on him to take her coat from the back of her chair.

"Can't blame a guy for trying," he murmured, watching her appreciatively as she bent over to retrieve her purse from her bottom desk drawer.

"Yes, I can."

* * *

*Chizue Wakahisa – is an OC. The reason he was created will be revealed in later chapters if some of you cannot guess already where I'm going with his character.


	8. Weary

Kokuro plopped down on the couch beside Touta and leaned against his shoulder. She rose up slightly when he shifted to put his arm around her shoulders. After snuggling into him, she sighed loudly with weariness. Today was her third day in a row of helping Chizue at nursing homes and hospitals. The Psychology Director himself had begged her for help which was a good thing because she would have told Chizue a resounding no. For some reason the death toll seemed to have grown higher and higher each day among the elderly population. The circumstances ranged from heart attacks to drug overdoses with very few being from natural causes.

"Hard day at work?" he inquired, tightening his embrace momentarily.

"Yeah. So many people are dying suddenly. Most from suspicious circumstances," she mumbled, pressing her ear against his heart to listen to its soothing rhythm.

"Elderly people right? Were you at Sunset Plains today?" he asked, squeezing her upper arm so strongly it hurt.

"Yes. How did you know?" She uncurled his fingers from her bicep that were beginning to turn white around the knuckles and in the nail bed they were clenched so firmly around her. Sitting up, her eyes beheld his hardened face as he stared unseeingly at the wall in front of him. She pressed her finger against the muscles of his jaw working beneath his skin spastically. "What is it?"

"I was there today too." He turned his head to look at her, his eyes hollow and emotionless. His skin paled before he spoke. He looked as if he had literally seen a ghost. "We think there might be another Kira."

Kokuro choked on the lump that instantaneously formed in her throat. Coughing reflexively into her hand, she stood up from the couch to walk to the kitchen.

"Where are you going?"

"To get us something to drink. Preferably alcoholic."

Kokuro's hands were shaking as she took the wine glasses from the cabinet and set them on the counter. This could not be happening. Another Kira had appeared. How many of those damn notebooks were there? How could this be happening again? What would it do to Touta?

"Dammit," she hissed when she sloshed the red wine onto the counter because her hands were quaking so severely. She flinched when she felt his arms slide around her waist and his body press against her back.

"Don't worry about me. I'll be fine," he assured her, kissing her cheek as she wiped up the wine with a sponge. "Be careful though. I couldn't survive if I lost you."

"Do you really think this new Kira would hurt me?" she asked, her movements immediately halting as she waited for his answer.

"I don't know. These people are always unpredictable. Having these notebooks…this power…does something to people," he muttered, turning her to face him. His brown eyes held her fear filled hazel eyes as he spoke the next words. "Don't interfere with whatever it is this Kira is trying to accomplish. He or she will kill you if you try to stop them. It's my job to find them."

"But what if they – " Kokuro stopped talking when his finger lay against her lips.

"I'll be fine. I survived before. I will again."

She hoped so because she felt the same way about him – she could no longer live without him.

~\..'../~

* * *

"My favorite angel!" Chizue exclaimed when he walked into her office without knocking per his usual method.

"No," Kokuro said before he even asked.

"Oh, come on please," he begged, batting his long black lashes and big pleading blue eyes at her.

"That doesn't work on me. Get out," she commanded him. She held up her hand when he opened his mouth to protest. "Don't even think about asking the Director to order me to do it this time either."

"Actually, I was going to ask you if I could talk to you. All of this is really beginning to wear on me," he admitted, releasing a deep breath and managing to do an impression of a deflated human being.

Kokuro looked at him with a critical eye. Dark circles had formed under his eyes; he looked tired and far older than his twenty seven years. Recent events were taking a toll on him. Apparently his usual form of physical therapy to deal with his emotional issues was no longer working. Sighing deeply, she pointed to the chair in front of her desk.

"I'll talk to you as a friend but not a patient."

"What's the difference?"

Not a damn thing she realized. Either way, she would be sitting and listening. He could come to his own conclusions of how to deal with it. Her main duty was just to listen.

~\..'../~

* * *

"Thank you for coming today," Chief Aizawa said tersely, avoiding her gaze as Touta led her into the hotel room where officers Mogi and Ide already sat with him.

"Why are we here?" she inquired, offering Hideki a small smile. Well, this situation was incredibly uncomfortable. Poor Mogi seemed to be the only one oblivious to the reason for the tension of the room but it was apparent he felt it as he straightened his already straight tie and jacket.

"I have called you here because I need your assistance with this new Kira," a robotic voice announced from the speaker sitting in the middle of the table.

Kokuro jumped from the unexpected burst of bizarre sound. Her surprise turned to anger when she heard the mischievous giggling of a child. She beheld the sight of what looked like an overgrown child who walked in from the next room still wearing his pajamas. He had the biggest, darkest eyes she had ever seen complete with dark circles from chronic insomnia underneath. He twisted a lock of his snow white hair around his index finger as he slowly approached Kokuro staring at her with undeterred curiosity.

"Dr. Tsukino I presume?" he inquired, almost coming nose to nose with her.

The only person she had experienced recently with such personal space problems was Chizue but that was for a whole different reason. Refusing to back down, she held his gaze despite the fact it made her eyes cross from being in such close proximity. It was difficult not to balk as the breath exhaled from his nose that moved across her lips. She saw an intense inquisitiveness in those depthless dark gray eyes rather than an attempt at intimidation which made it easy to hold her ground. Touta had informed he was some kind of detective. He appeared to be an overgrown ten year old. How could this guy be an elite detective?

"That's correct, Sherlock. And who are you?" she demanded, backing away a step because her crossed eyes were giving her a headache. She noticed the creepy little grin, possibly of amusement, that curled his thin lips.

"You can call me, Near. I like your sense of humor," he commented, his grin breaking into a big smile.

"Why am I here, Near?" she asked, folding her arms in front of her chest.

"Because I think you know the Cheap Kira," he responded boldly.

"The what?" She was getting more confused and irritated. Couldn't this kid answer a simple question with a simple answer?

"That's what I'm calling this new Kira. C-Kira for short," he explained. "Despite killing people who are close to dying anyway, a murderer is a murderer. I believe you know him. I want to hear what you think about the matter."

"I do not," she answered, slightly annoyed at this point. She wondered if he was hinting it might be her. She paused a long moment to think and form a few ideas and opinions about this 'cheap Kira' as Near called him. "This person is mostly likely a member of the medical community; a doctor or a nurse, someone who has close contact with the patients. So far, the killer has only targeted older, terminal patients who were well on their way to dying. Based on that information, they probably view themselves as a type of savior or an 'angel of mercy' and are doing these people a favor by ending their suffering."

"Let it go, Near. It's not her," Touta spoke up, standing up from the couch. His own aggravation showed on his face with his black eyebrows knitted together and the anger evident in his eyes.

"I wasn't implying that. A colleague maybe?" he pressed, turning his back on her to walk away.

"I have practically hundreds of colleagues," she informed him arrogantly. She was not exaggerating. Her rolodex was full of names of fellow psychologists, psychiatrists, and counselors not to mention doctors, nurses, and other medical personnel.

"I'm sure you do, Dr. Tsukino," he murmured, twisting his hair again as he turned to look at her. "Basically I asked you all to come here today to determine the viability of this case. Personally, I don't see it as worth pursuing and it's a waste of my time."

'Wow! Aren't we full of ourselves?' she thought to herself glaring at the peculiar platinum blond. She immediately began trying to form an analytical opinion of him but her emotions kept getting in the way. She disliked him intensely, and she could not get past it.

"Is this cheap Kira really harming anyone? He seems to be doing the world a service, or he seems to think so. He's a classic angel of mercy killer," Kokuro spoke up when no one else said a word.

"You see nothing wrong with a murderer, Doctor?" he queried, raising a white eyebrow.

"Assisted suicide is not a new thing. There's a doctor who created a whole protocol for it. I don't agree with it personally but I've never had a terminal illness or been on my deathbed either. I'm sure my feelings would change then," she returned, raising her chin defiantly.

"Hmmm," he muttered, looking her over carefully. "You are correct. I will not be pursuing this case. It was…enlightening, Dr. Tsukino. You can bill me for your time so you will not feel it was wasted."

"I will bill you. However, I still feel it was wasted," she rejoined, walking toward the door. Her phone beeped alerting her to a text.

_I need you. I'm at Tranquility Towers Hospice. It's happened again. Fifteen this time._ _Chizue_~

"Your angel of mercy?" Near ventured sarcastically.

Kokuro kept her mouth shut because she was afraid what might fly out in retort to the smart mouthed kid. Chizue was a lot of things but a murderer was not one of them. She did not want to lose her professionalism despite the lack thereof from half of the room's occupants. At least Mogi still saw her as a professional and if he and Touta could retain their maturity so could she. She hugged and kissed Touta briefly, telling him she would see him at home later. With one last glare at Near, she left the room.

~...~

* * *

When Kokuro arrived at the four story hospice care center, she was struck with how sad it was to have an establishment this large dedicated to dying people. Fifteen people out of the ninety residents had died last night within seconds of each other. She shivered from the thought that someone was purposely making this happen. Finding Chizue in the chapel, she stared at the floor as he peeled the grieving women, a daughter and a granddaughter of a patient she would guess, off of his person.

"Thank you, my angel," he whispered to her, giving her a tight hug. She could not help but shudder from his use of the familiar nickname that had suddenly turned disturbing.

"I would think you would be sore from all of the embraces you've received today," she joked trying to lighten the suffocating air of discomfort surrounding them.

"It's not funny," he hissed warningly, pressing his finger to his lips.

He was correct. It was not funny. However, sometimes they had to make sick jokes at inappropriate times to deal with the stress. Kokuro almost yelped when he grabbed her arm and pulled her into a nearby closet. She slapped him soundly after he pressed his lips against hers.

"What are you doing? Now is not the time for an impromptu game of seven minutes in heaven!" she reprimanded him, pulling out of his grip to try to exit the cleaning closet. The smell of chemicals was making her nose and eyes burn. Or was it tears?

"I'm sorry. I just, I, uh, I-I'm sorry," he apologized, taking off his glasses to rub his raccoon like eyes that had lost their impish luster. After putting his glasses back on, he ran both hands through his long blond hair. "I'm just getting freaked out by all of this. Something is not right with all of these deaths. I think there's an angel of mercy killer about."

"Oh, Chizue, you should be happy. You're making a killing yourself in consultations," she said, unable to stop her giggle. The sound was so eerie and chill inducing as it echoed through the closet. She covered her mouth and stared at the floor as he glared at her angrily.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he demanded, resisting the urge to shake her.

"I'm a little freaked out myself. Don't ever kiss me again or you'll be the next body to arrive at the morgue," she warned.

Chizue had no doubt she would make good on that threat. He grabbed her by the hand and dragged her back into the hallway. The chemicals were making him feel 'funny' and light headed. "Come on. We have people who need our help."

"Yeah, but who's going to help us?" She covered her mouth with her hand once the question was asked. At least he looked at her with a soft sympathetic expression.

"We will just have to help each other through this."

That sounded like an epically bad idea.


	9. Apprehension

Her cell phone rang disturbing Kokuro and Touta's after dinner make out session on the couch. She ignored the incessant and annoying musical tone warbling from her phone as it vibrated across the coffee table. Pressing her lips against his harder, she drove her fingers through his thick, black hair wishing the noise would stop.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" he inquired, pushing her away from him.

"No. It's probably Chizue and I don't want to talk to him," she muttered, pushing her boyfriend over onto his back and crawling on top of him. The phone stopped making noise as she lowered her lips to his. Then his phone began to ring. "Really?"

Touta rolled over while simultaneously pushing her off behind him onto the couch. He grabbed his phone, checking the caller ID but did not recognize the number. Holding the phone where Kokuro could see it, he heard her draw in a sigh of irritation. It was apparent that she knew who the number belonged to.

"Don't answer that," she said, trying to grab his phone away from him.

Sticking out his tongue at her, he pressed the send button to answer it. "Hello," he chirped into the phone.

"Dammit," she muttered, biting his shoulder through his shirt.

"Ow!" he hissed, flicking her on the nose as if she were a misbehaving dog. He tried to push away her hands as she slid them under the t-shirt he was wearing. "Oh, Kaiya! How are you?"

Kokuro snorted to show her aggravation and tweaked his nipple. She giggled when she received a reprimanding slap to her hands. Deciding to have a little fun while paying him back for answering the phone, she latched onto him like a monkey with her arms around his chest and her legs around his waist as he sat up.

"Christmas dinner?" He bit his lip to keep from groaning as she teasingly licked and nipped at his earlobe. He was beginning to regret answering the call. "Of course we'll come. OW!"

Kokuro bit his neck hard after he accepted her sister's invitation to Christmas dinner. She slid her hands back under his shirt, tightening her legs around him. Her heels rested on the large bulge forming in his pants from her teasing while her fingers slid over his chest as she kissed and nibbled on his neck.

"Um, yeah, we will bring something. Uh..." The words would not form on his tongue as rational thought fled when her hand slid over the tight material of his pants that restrained his stiff member. "Oh, god...yeah, I'm fine," he said in a shaky voice, struggling for control as her hand slid between his abdomen and waistband. "You just - you just caught me in the middle of something...she's a little busy right now." He was not lying; Kokuro was busy stroking him from head to base, torturing him mercilessly. "I'll tell her you called...Uh huh...We'll see you then...Good-bye!" he exclaimed, unable to hang up the phone fast enough so he could grab his girlfriend. He threw the phone onto the coffee table while sliding to his knees onto the floor beside the couch.

"So we're going to Christmas dinner at my sister's house?" she inquired, screeching when he jerked her to the edge of the couch. A coquettish grin split her face when he pulled himself free from the constraints of his pants while she shimmied out of her underwear. She accepted him willingly, once again wrapping her body around his and he buried himself within her warm wet walls.

"Yes," he moaned in her ear, shoving into her forcefully.

Kokuro practically purred in his ear while he made love to her with passion and savagery. She moaned her approval as he vigorously thrust into her as if he were attempting to ram her through the couch. If he was trying to pay her back for the deliberate and somewhat cruel sexual taunting, she would have to arouse him more often while he was on the phone. Her fingers once again raked through his thick, silky hair, pulling slightly as he brought her closer and closer to the peak of epic pleasure. She really liked the assertive, take charge man he had become and that included the way he dominated her in bed. All day long, she was making decisions, telling other people how to run their lives and become decent functioning human beings. She relished giving up control, allowing him to take over her body and drive her crazy with pleasure because he did it so incredibly well.

Touta pushed her into the soft suede cushions of the couch, thrusting his body into hers fervently as he watched her give into the orgasm. A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as the magnificent sound of his name being gasped from her lips met his ears. He kissed her ravenously as she shook beneath him from the ultimate pleasure that he had given her. She made him feel like no other woman ever had: powerful, desirable, and virile. He wanted her - always.

Kokuro opened her eyes, watching the man above her as he continued his ardent and vehement lovemaking. With shameless avarice, she took in the sight of him experiencing a climax of his own. His light colored cheeks blushed beautifully from the sudden release of endorphins and pleasure. His mouth dropped open in a silent cry of ecstasy while his body moved of its own accord inside of her to continue experiencing the amazing rush of the orgasm sweeping through his system. She pulled him forward, wanting to kiss those amazing lips of his.

"You are incredible," she mumbled against his lips.

"Despite accepting your sister's invitation?" he dared to inquire.

"Yeah. Even despite that," she chuckled, kissing him again briefly. Sighing deeply with contentment, she refused to think about the upcoming family dinner. It would only kill her lovely orgasmic high.

~\..'../~

* * *

Kokuro shifted uncomfortably as they stood on her sister's front doorstep with the assigned dish in hand that they had been asked to bring. She felt blessed to have a wonderfully domesticated boyfriend who had stayed up late to bake the casserole he had made from scratch. She had been more than willing to buy something from the frozen food section of the grocery store and dump in a dish after heating it up to covertly pass it off as home made.

Chef Matsuda would not hear of committing such a horrid deception and culinary travesty. With his girlfriend's blessing, he had stayed up late measuring, mixing, and baking to achieve a gastronomic masterpiece. He could not help but ponder during the cooking session if he would someday be a househusband and stay at home dad. Trying to hide the smile on his face, he pushed the button to ring the doorbell. Maybe next year at Christmas he would ask her to marry him. That is if he did not give into asking her by Valentine's Day.

A blossoming and blushing six months pregnant Kaiya answered the door. She was gorgeous in all of her pregnant glory. Her hair appeared to be thicker and shinier than ever. Her cheeks were a natural, rosy hue. Her golden green eyes gleamed and made her sister's grow all green with envy as she grabbed the cute boyfriend and hugged him while kissing him right on the lips. She was so happy to see them. And dammit, the pregnant woman looked just plain thrilled with life in general.

Kokuro resisted the urge to growl when Touta snatched the dish from her hands and disappeared inside the house. Her ears filled with the primal sounds of men greeting each other with grunts and barks like the cave men used to eons ago. Some things never change...but then others do. She stared at her toes clad in black patent leather boots as her sister stood in front of her waiting. Waiting for what? Before she could snarkily inquire, she was grabbed and pulled against the massive mound of flesh that contained her sister and Shuichi Aizawa's baby. She would swear she felt the baby kick her. 'The feeling is mutual kid,' she thought to herself, unable to free herself from her sister's shockingly strong bear hug.

"I love you, baby sister. I've missed you so much," her sister sniffed, refusing to let her go. The muffled requests for air did nothing to make Kaiya slacken her grip.

Kokuro reached up awkwardly, patting her sister's arm. She could no longer speak and her starved lungs ached for the much needed oxygen Kaiya had squeezed out of her and stalwartly refused to let her get back. With any luck, she would pass out soon which would cause her sister to release her and allow her to breathe again.

"I need you, Koko. I need my sister back," she begged, the tears flowing from her eyes as she finally let her sibling go.

Kokuro could not stop herself from inhaling loudly like a drowning person does when they burst through the surface of the water. Coughing slightly after drawing in great gulps of the icy air, she stared at her sister. The jealousy had fled as soon as it had appeared. She had vowed to never again be jealous of her sister. It was quite possible she should make a silent pact with herself to never be angry again with her either. Although Kaiya was her big sister, her ideal, her model of perfection; she forgot her sister was still human and had never asked to be placed upon a pedestal.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being so angry with you these last several months," she apologized, raising her eyes to meet her sister's teary gaze.

"I understand. I really do. But can we put that behind us and be close again? I want to share my joy and my fear and my hope and my..." her sister's words trailed as she shook her head and raised her hands. There was a smile on her face despite the steadily flowing tears. "My everything. I just want to share it with you. You're the only one I have left since mom and dad are gone."

It had been just them against world for many years after their parents died. That could quite possibly be another reason for her fury. She was no longer the center of her sister's world but on the fringes of it behind Hideki and this child. She had even come behind an illicit lover which had pissed her off greatly.

Kokuro forced herself up on her tiptoes, looking past her sister into the house. She could see Hideki, Touta, and Shuichi talking as they stole bites out of the dishes spread across the table. To her surprise, a pretty woman with brown hair walked across her line of vision, blocking the thieving conversationalists standing at the table. The woman was holding the cutest little girl with pigtails and dressed in a frilly red and white dress. She appeared to be pregnant as well but decidedly less further along than her sister.

"Who -" Kokuro stood gape mouthed, unable to form the question but receiving her answer when the woman walked to Shuichi and kissed him. "Hmmmm," she grunted, ignoring her sister's embarrassed little smile.

"We've all worked things out. The four of us even went to joint sessions for a while to work through this together. It does involve all of us, you know," her sister explained, taking her by the hand to lead her into the house.

"Yeah, I know but that's -" She stopped herself before she said the word bizarre. Whatever works. If it was helping them deal with the pain and get on with their marriages and lives, so be it. Weird or not, if it works, it works. This would undoubtedly be the most interesting Christmas dinner ever.

Kokuro steeled herself for the inelegant introductions about to take place which her sister handled with fabulous ease and aplomb. She had always loved that about Kaiya because she could be so tactful and calm in the most stressful situations especially when she herself was so prone to graceless mouthiness and speaking her mind a little too much. At times even she wondered how she ever became a psychologist and handled her patients so well. As of yet, she had not disillusioned anyone or driven them away. As she looked around the room, she realized she might have a myriad of chances today to do that with her own family if she was not careful. Today was going to be a long day.

Dinner went surprisingly well with pleasant conversation about benign things like the upcoming holiday and hopes for the new year. Kokuro was proud to tell everyone that Touta had made the fabulous concoction they had brought which was a big hit with everyone. She amazed herself by holding her tongue when the other two men laughed at him. As if they were in any place to be judgmental. Touta was damn near perfect in comparison to them: loyal, trustworthy, great in bed, and a fabulous cook. What were they laughing at? She pressed her hand over her mouth when the snide remarks were bandied about all in 'good humored joking' of course. She was not amused.

"Koko, could you come with me to the kitchen to help with dessert and coffee?" Kaiya asked when she saw her sister's face turn from crimson to near purple. She knew Kokuro was at her limit and if she blew it would not be a pretty sight or sound.

Kokuro hopped up from her seat, pausing to gather the plates from the table. As she reached around Hideki she made it a point to 'accidentally' bump his nose a little too roughly and Shuichi received an elbow to the chin with a less than sincere apology. She could not help but feel even more pleased when she heard a stifled titter of laughter from the man's wife. Her passive aggressiveness always irritated Kaiya so she was glad her sister was already in the kitchen to miss the not so disguised display of her annoyance with the men.

"Jerks," she muttered as she dumped the dishes in the sink with a loud clatter.

"Hey! Watch it! Those are mom's dishes," her ever sentimental sister protested from her harsh treatment of the china.

"Oh, those things survived many dinners with us growing up. They'll still be around after a nuclear holocaust," she griped, opening the drawer to seize a large butcher knife. "What do I need to cut?"

"Uh," her sister murmured as the fluorescentlights of the kitchen glinted menacingly off the razor sharp blade. She put her hand over her sister's, carefully peeling off her fingers that were beginning to turn white around the knuckles from gripping the knife handle with fury. "Let me have that and you make the coffee."

Kokuro went straight to the cabinet containing the coffee and filters to begin the preparations. She was filling the coffee pot with water when her sister asked a poorly timed question.

"Do you think you and Touta will get married?"

"Sh-sh-shit," she stammered, slamming her belly against the counter when she lurched forward to regain her grip on the glass decanter before it fell and shattered. She rubbed her sore abdomen as she poured the water into the waiting pot.

"Well?" Kaiya demanded.

"I don't know," Kokuro replied reluctantly. "I love him."

"Then marry him," she prodded her instantly grumpy looking sibling.

"He hasn't asked yet," she shot back sounding like she did when they would argue when they were little girls.

"He will. Be ready," her sister warned her, strategically slicing the cake and serving herself the biggest piece which she commenced to eating after serving up the plates.

"What about the guests? Your hostess skills are failing," she kidded the pregnant woman who had a craving to attend to. She stared silently as her sister polished off the last bite then put the remaining slice on the empty plate. "Seriously? Are you going to pretend that's your first piece?"

"Yes. And what they don't know won't hurt me. Now I won't appear rude either. Let's go," she said, picking up the tray with the slices of cake while Kokuro carried the tray with the coffee, cups, and cream and sugar.

"Oh, the best part!" Hideki yelled out excitedly, clearing the way for the tray to be set right in front of him. He had a weakness for sweet things which had often led to jokes about why he loved Kaiya so much.

Kokuro noticed the distinct expression of sadness that flashed across Hideki's face momentarily. Apparently Touta had seen it as well and offered an encouraging smile to his friend and colleague...and possibly brother-in-law. She shook her head to rid herself of the thought and began pouring and distributing the coffee while her sister handled giving out the cake. Thankfully the evening ended happily without anymore emotional traumas or jibes being inflicted on anyone.

"Do you regret coming today?" Touta asked her when he opened the car door for her as they were getting ready to leave.

"Of course not," she responded heartily, leaning over the top of the car door to kiss him. "Thank you. Thank you for answering that call from Kaiya. And thank you for loving me."

"You are very welcome. You do realize one was much easier to do than the other right?"


	10. Fear

I've got to give a quick shout out and much deserved praise (and gratitude) to my wonderful beta **xfang-girlx**! She has been an amazing help and an ever patient beta with all of my silly mistakes, misgivings, and general literary misfortunes. Thank you! Hope you all enjoy the new chapter since it's finally here!

* * *

Kokuro felt buried in paperwork and other people's problems. Her head ached from the haranguing she had received from her last patient. The complaints, the whining, the excuses...she was tired of it all. She rubbed her eyes and resisted the urge to pull out handfuls of her hair. She had to finish the notes and the updates in her patient's charts before she went home. Sighing heavily with sadness and frustration, she reminded herself there was no reason to rush because Touta would not be there anyway; he had a meeting with that creepy little idiot savant named Near. Unable to stop herself from shuddering from the memory of her first meeting with the offensive genius, she stood up from her desk to go to the break room. Since she would be here for a few more hours, she might as well brew her a pot of coffee to give her a much needed caffeine boost to enable her to complete her work.

Kokuro thought she was alone in the building until she heard noises from down the hall. Realizing it was coming from Chizue's office, she rolled her eyes and dreaded to think what could be going on in there. Curiosity overcame good sense and she crept to the door, pressing her ear against the smooth surface to listen.

"I don't want to do this anymore," she heard him say. "The guilt is becoming too much. I-I c-can't..."

'Who in the hell is he talking to?' Kokuro wondered, leaning her body as well as her ear against the door.

"I want to die," he mumbled in a defeated, weak voice.

"What?" she murmured, falling forward as the door swung open unexpectedly.

Kokuro landed on his office floor in an embarrassed heap after accidentally pushing open the door that had not been fully engaged. Looking up at the usually cheerful and happy-go-lucky, blonde sitting at his desk, she saw that he was holding a pen over a notebook in a shaking hand while tears streamed down his face. Scrambling to her feet, she ran to him and seized the pen. Maybe he had been contemplating stabbing himself with it. She had always heard that the pen was mightier than the sword but this was taking it a bit too far. Seizing the notebook, she flipped it closed before glancing at the pages. The plain black leather cover was emblazoned with two simple words in relatively plain silver tinted script: DEATH NOTE. Death note? Oh, hell no...it can't be. Swinging her eyes to Chizue, her attention was quickly diverted to the three-foot tall black and gray salamander like creature standing next to his chair. Before she could scream, Chizue's hand covered her mouth, and he pulled her against him.

"Don't scream," he calmly told her, his blue eyes drilling into her hazel ones. He seemed disturbingly tranquil for a man who had a tall quasi-lizard thing standing next to him. Was that who, or what, he was talking to?

Kokuro stared at him ignoring the fact that he was holding her body pressed to his and he was very happy to see her. She was too mesmerized by the unexplainable thing in the room and the freaking notebook in her hand. Touta had not been delusional: the book was real and so were the Shinigami. She could not stop herself from staring at the creature who was perusing her just as quizzically with tiny, oily looking very black eyes.

"Don't scream," he repeated, relaxing his grip on her but not letting her go. "I'll remove my hand slowly okay." He gradually lifted his hand from her mouth while keeping a firm grip around her waist with his other arm. Talking in a low, carefully metered voice like the one they reserved for seriously agitated mental patients, he continued, "She won't hurt you. Her name is Midora. She's a - "

"Death god," she interjected, trying to push him away. "Yeah, I know. What the hell are you doing with this?" she demanded, swinging the notebook in front of his face. "Do you know what this is?"

"Of course I do. The question is how do you know what it is?" he asked attempting to grab the notebook from her.

"Oh, my god," she gasped, throwing the notebook on the desk when the real meaning of the revelation made it's way through her muddled mind. "You're the C-Kira."

"The what?" he asked, his blond eyebrows drawing together in confusion. Finally...it was his turn to be bumfuzzled by something in this incredibly weird situation.

"You're the one killing all of those old people," she muttered, falling into a sitting position on his desk when the dizziness overtook her. She did not even notice he had yet to relinquish his grasp on her and he moved between her legs to be as close to her as possible.

"I'm helping them," he assured her, pushing a stray curl from her face. His fingers lingered in her hair, drifting over the outline of her outer ear as he ran his fingers through it's full length. "They're miserable, Koko. They're old. They're in pain. I help them die peacefully. With dignity."

Kokuro had basically used the same argument with Near to dismiss the murderous rampage of the derisively dubbed Cheap Kira. Chizue! How could he be the C-Kira? He was a lovable idiot, not a murderer! Her eyes met his as if searching for a hint of the murderer he had become. He still had the same open, innocent expression in his deep blue eyes with no malicious intent behind them. How could it be true?

"Well, I never thought I'd see the day when a woman was the knight in shining armor," the Shinigami said with a chuckle in a watery sounding voice as if she had a throat full of phlegm. "You're weak, Chizue. I warned you that you could not handle the responsibility of the notebook."

"Midora, stop, not now," he cautioned her in a surprisingly caustic tone.

"How did this happen? I don't understand," Kokuro said, pressing the heel against her pounding temple. It felt as if her brain was about to burst. "How could you - "

"Please," he pleaded, pressing his fingers against her lips. "It was just one of those freak things. I was at the right place at the right time to find the Death Note, I guess. In a way, it kind of found me."

Kokuro glimpsed the Shinigami who was wearing what appeared to be a self-satisfied expression. To her it seemed the salamander had hand-picked Chizue and only made it seem like a trick of fate. She grabbed the man's shirt, pulling him toward her.

"You have to stop this. You can't do this anymore. Don't kill anymore people," she told him, her lips almost touching his they were so close to each other. "For me."

"Koko," he whispered, sliding his fingers along her jaw and chin. "I love you, but I can't."

Kokuro closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against his chin. She felt so helpless, so useless. How can you save someone who doesn't want to be saved? She pushed him away and stood up from the desk with her hand pressed to her spinning head as if that could make it stop. After a few steps toward the door, she felt his fingers curl around her wrist. Her attempt to jerk out of his grasp only made him tighten it.

"Let me go," she growled, jerking hard on his arm but to no avail. She bit her lower lip to keep from crying out as his fingers pressed into the bones of her wrist compressing the nerves and making her hand go numb.

"I can't let you leave," he said in an uncharacteristically serious tone of voice.

Fear permeated her consciousness and made her tremble. He was a ruthless killer. What would stop him from killing her? All it would take would be a few strokes of a pen. No witnesses. No mess. Oh, so very easy.

~\0/~

* * *

Touta paced the living room floor wondering where Kokuro could be. He had received a text from her around six that she would be working late to catch up on paperwork. Glancing at the clock, he saw it was now ten minutes after ten. Why had she not called? More importantly, why wasn't she home yet?

The meeting had been uneventful and pointless. Near had already informed them he had no interest in pursuing the C-Kira case. Why he had felt it necessary to call them in for a conference to officially announce that fact _again_ made absolutely no sense. As much as he respected the pint sized brainiac the kid had just ventured into annoying.

Had she come home and left again when he was not here? Was she angry with him? This was not like her. Grabbing his jacket and his cell phone, he headed for the door. Pressing the button to dial his Chief, he waited until the man answered.

"There's something wrong. I need you to meet me at Kokuro's office," Touta announced, immediately bypassing the niceties of a normal conversation. These were not normal circumstances.

~\0/~

* * *

Kokuro stared at the manic blonde as he jubilantly wrote in the notebook. He was way too happy about this and not his usual kind of happy; it was a terrifying, sick kind of joy that the mentally ill only exhibited. Had the notebook made him this way?

"Yes!" Chizue cried out as if he had heard her thoughts. However, he did not look up from his spastic spurts of writing. Obviously he was talking to the voice in his head.

Kokuro turned her eyes to the slimy black salamander standing next to him who occasionally whispered to him. Now that she could see and hear the Death God, Midora had become very shy and quiet. When the being's liquid, inky eyes landed on her, she immediately looked away. The thing still creeped her out in a huge way. She felt the rope bite into her wrists and she tried not to move from the pain because she know it would only make it hurt worse. It was still surreal that Chizue had tied her to the chair. Her wrists were bound to the arms and her ankles had been tied together then anchored to the rolling base so her feet were off the floor. If she could have, she would have rolled over to him and head butted him so hard it would knock the both of them unconscious. She never would have guessed the silly, seemingly harmless grief counselor would be the source of so much grief.

"Do you hate me?" he inquired feeling her burning stare of unrestrained ire.

"No, I don't hate you," she replied calmly unable to stop the sinister smile from curling her lips. "I want to kill you."

Chizue's head snapped up and the expression of surprise mixed with terror was almost comical. He had every reason to believe she was completely sincere. Kokuro spoke sarcasm as a second language but that statement was made with malacious and sincere intent. He knew she had violent tendencies so it was not to far of a leap in thought that she would be capable of murder. Especially with the way the she was looking at him at the moment. Swallowing hard, he rose from the desk to walk over to her. He dared to place his hand against her cheek while fully expecting her to try to bite him. To his great delight, she did not only NOT try to take a hunk out of him or separate him from one or two of his digits, her face immediately softened and her lips parted slightly. Kneeling in front of her, he already had the feeling he would regret this. Unfortunately, it would only be one more on an ever growing list of regrets from his recent actions.

"Chizue," she murmured, licking her lips and closing her eyes as he leaned toward her. Her body was stiff and coiled, ready to strike like an angry rattlesnake. She was glad he still allowed his libido to trump common sense.

"No you idiot!" Midora screeched in her gurgling voice.

Kokuro thrust her head forward with all of her might which caused the chair to topple. Before she crashed to the floor in a painful heap, her forehead made an even more painful meeting with his nose. The sound of breaking bone was covered by the creaking and squeaking of the chair as it protested from the sudden movement. The feeling of the cartilage giving way and shattering was hard to miss as a warm gush of blood flooded from his nose and covered her face. She was not sure if it was his blood or her blood that filled her mouth as she lay on the floor with black spots and bursts of light filling her blurry vision. As the brain bursting jolt of agony bisected her frontal lobe, she wished she had been parted with consciousness.

"Son of bitch," she snarled, spitting the blood at him that had filled her mouth. The blood on her face had already grown cold and was feeling sticky and disgusting. She felt like a helpless turtle who had been turned over on it's back but sadly her problem was the opposite as her cheek was pressed against the cold hardwood floor while her body was still tied to the chair. The back of the chair was pressing into her neck and she pondered if it would eventually break it. "Dammit!"

"Koko!" Touta called.

Great! Now she was hearing things. Her head pounded and she would swear she could hear the ocean roaring in her ears as her vision dimmed in addition to the blurriness.

"Kokuro!" Shuichi's voice cut through the stillness from a distance.

"Oh, my god," she moaned, allowing self-pity to bring tears to her eyes. "Why in the hell am I hearing him?"

"Koko! Answer me, honey! Where are you?" Touta yelled again.

"I'm not hallucinating," she muttered, filling her lungs with air as best as she could since her windpipe was being compressed. "I'm here...I'm here!"

Kokuro's throat burned from the effort to scream which had been pitiful and strained at best. When the door swung open, relief filled her mind and body. The sound had been enough for them to find her and that was very good obviously. She watched with bleary eyes as two sets of shiny dress shoes hurried toward her. Grunting from discomfort, she pressed her lips together to keep from yelling out from the excruciating pain as they picked her up, chair and all, from the floor.

"Oh, my god!" Touta exclaimed, unable to mask the horror and disgust in voice.

"It's not my blood. It's his," she calmly told him hoping it really was all Chizue's. After her unexpected and harsh meeting with the floor, she could not be sure. She could feel their fingers further brusing her already tender wrists and ankles as they worked to untie her. No complaints left her lips because they were her saviors. How could she possibly complain? Slumping forward, she found herself in Touta's arms, a place she had wondered if she would ever be again during her short captivity.

"He's the C-Kira," she whispered in his ear.

"What?" he questioned her, pulling her head back to look at her.

Kokuro opened her eyes to see two of her fabulous boyfriend and quickly closed them as the room began to spin. She was sure she had a concussion at least.

"He's the one Near called the Cheap Kira," she said, leaning forward to lay her head on his shoulder.

"Are you sure?" Aizawa inquired not trying to hide the doubt in his voice.

"The notebook is on the desk. The Shinigami is right there too."

"Damn, I never wanted to see another one of these for the rest of my life," Shuichi remarked, rifling through the pages. Glancing to his left, he saw the salamander Shinigami appear. "Shit! You're an ugly one."

"Not you're not so great yourself human," Midora hissed back.

Kokuro would have laughed if she could have. Suddenly she had a new respect for the female Death God.

Midora stared at the bloodied human woman being held by the man. Perhaps she had chosen the wrong human to entrust the notebook to. Glaring at the man standing next to her, she reached out to take the notebook from him. Something akin to a smile stretched her lipless mouth as he dropped the notebook into her waiting hands. He was not as dumb as he looked. Taking one last look at the woman before returning to the Shinigami realm, she purposed in her heart to pay the woman a visit in the future. Maybe she had found a worthy recipient of the notebook.


	11. Regret

I am grateful to my second pair of eyes, xfang-girlx, for pointing out my glaring errors before anyone else sees them.

* * *

Kokuro safely observed behind the one-way glass the man in the straight jacket as he huddled against the padded wall of his 'special' cell. Tears gathered in the corners of her eyes while her heart broke for Chizue. She had been instrumental in committing him to Healing Acres Sanatarium, the hospital for the criminally insane. A sob broke through her tightly pressed lips causing the men in the room to glance her way. She felt Touta's comforting arm slide around her waist and pull her to his side. Refusing to crumple into his arms and cry her heart like she wanted to, she covered her mouth with one hand to prevent any further outbursts of emotion to slip by. Closing her eyes to keep from seeing Chizue as he stared ahead sightlessly and drooled helplessly, the unshed tears trickled down her cheeks. She was silently grateful for her thoughtful and caring boyfriend as he turned to her, blocking her from view of everyone else as he discreetly wiped away her tears.

"It will be okay," he whispered to her. "A very intelligent, caring woman once told me that I can get through this without losing my mind. She was right you know. I'm sure her advice will work for you too."

Kokuro moved her hand so he could see the smile on her lips. Leaning forward, she allowed herself a public display of affection by embracing him briefly. Finding the strength from him as he stroked her hair and held her, she pulled in a deep breath and turned to look into the room again.

"I want to go in and see him," she announced, moving toward the door.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Near told her.

Kokuro glared at him as if he had appeared from another planet. She still did not understand why he was here. He had, in no uncertain terms, said he had no interest whatsoever in the C-Kira case as he called it yet here he stood in the room flanked by Mogi and Aizawa. Aizawa. Her eyes moved to him and she felt anger wash over her. She did not think she could stomach another holiday celebration with him. How the hell could they all act so happy, like nothing was wrong? Pushing aside the thought, she went to the door, soundly ignoring the half-pint detective. She assumed Touta was standing behind her when the officers on either side of the door did not stop her from punching in her security code to enter the room that held her colleague who was officially out of his mind. Passing the salamander Shinigami inside and pretending the being did not exist, she went to Chizue who was rocking and singing a child's nursery rhyme to himself.

"Oh, Chizue," she murmured, kneeling in front of him. Her eyes met his and she was surprised to see the drug induced haze begin to clear from his blue eyes.

"Koko, I'm sorry," he apologized, tears springing to his eyes. "I'm sorry for everything."

"Don't, please," she begged, edging closer to him as she pressed her hand to his cheek. Glimpsing the Shinigami from the corner of her eye, she wondered what the hell that thing was doing here. She had always viewed Chizue as strong and emotionally sound to be doing what he was doing with the grief counseling. If only she had known when his pscyhe had become so delicate and could be so easily destroyed, she might have been able to stop this. Did it happen before or after he found the notebook? She would never know. Hopefully she could still help him now.

"Just forget about me. I'm too far gone. Just let me die. Midora holds the right to my soul anyway so let her take me," he implored his friend.

"No, I won't. Don't you dare," she hissed at the Shinigami who held a notebook and was prepared to write his name.

Touta stood guard behind her protectively, carefully watching the Shinigami with the tiny black eyes that were glued to his girlfriend. He did not like this one. She seemed even more menacing and devious than Ryuk or Rem. She also seemed to have taken an interest in Kokuro that did not set well with him. He had discovered that the Shinigami seem to purposely look for and determine who they wanted to own the Death Note; it was no random 'accident' that one came into possession of the notebook. His thoughts turned to Light, quickly comparing the Light he knew before the notebook and the one he became after using it. He would see that Death god in hell before he allowed it to turn his beloved into that.

"Koko, just go. I don't want you to see me like this," Chizue said, lowering his chin to his chest to hide his face. He could feel his moment of clarity slipping away. "Please leave."

"I won't give up on you. I can help you," she insisted, grabbing his arms but immediately pulling away as the stiff, canvas-like material beneath her fingers reminded her how far away from sanity he had slipped. Maybe she should admit she had finally gotten into something beyond her expertise, and she should let it go. No one could help him now.

"Kokuro, let's go," Touta said, putting his hand on her shoulder. He had enough and it was time to get her out of here.

Kokuro stood to her feet, biting her lower lip. She turned her back on Chizue both literally and metaphorically. Allowing Touta to lead her from the room, she resolved to never return again.

"She won't be back," Midora told Chizue without masking the happiness in her voice. She knew this would break his last tie to sanity. That woman and his love for her had been the only thing that held him back from becoming the epic serial killer he could of been. Instead, he had settled on killing old people who were about to die anyway. He had been a sad disappointment to her all around.

"I know," he murmured, closing his eyes. "All right, Midora, it's time."

...

Kokuro and Touta were standing at the elevators when they heard a panicked shout and many scrambling feet. She looked at Touta who had no reaction whatsoever. She knew that he was aware of what was going on and already knew exactly what was happening.

"He's dead," he answered the question she held in her eyes. "Midora wrote his name in her notebook and took his life. She would have done it sooner or later. Sooner is better."

Kokuro swallowed the choking lump that formed in her throat. She could not move her eyes from her boyfriend's usually gentle, yielding face. At the moment his features had changed; they seemed harder and more angular, the muscle in his jaw working fiercely beneath his skin due to his clenched teeth. She found his new ability to completely detach from his emotions somewhat disturbing. She almost missed the weeping, bleeding heart man with the broken spirit she had met in her office. Her arms went around him to comfort him and herself. Relief flooded her, and she sighed audibly when his stiff body softened and pulled her against him.

"There's something I've been meaning to ask you," he said, pulling her into the elevator after the doors opened.

"What's that?" she asked, pulling him into her arms to kiss his lips briefly.

"I want you to be mine. I want you to be with me always," he murmured, kissing her back and allowing his lips to linger while his words sunk in.

Kokuro felt her pulse racing and beginning to pound in her head while she resisted acting on the panic that threatened to overwhelm her. Surely he was not about to 'pop the question' as the adage goes. Her fingers twisted into his hair, keeping his lips held against hers. She slipped her tongue between his parted lips to deepen the kiss and with any luck make him forget what he intended to ask.

The elevator dinged, signalling their arrival on the ground floor. The doors parted and so did their lips. Dammit.

"Will you move in with me?" he inquired, holding her hand as they exited the elevator.

"Wh-what?" she stammered, not receiving the inquiry she had expected. "Oh, thank god."

"What?"

"Yes! I said yes!"

~\..'../~

* * *

"You're doing what?" her pregnant and over emotional sister shrieked causing their fellow restaurant patrons to stare.

"I'm moving in with him," Koko repeated, delighting in the meaty goodness of the hunk of steak she shoved in her mouth. No more vegetarian for her. She had flatly denied her sister's request to eat lunch at The Garden today.

"Oh, my god," Kaiya growled indignantly, throwing down her forkful of salad. "Well, you do know he will never ask you to marry him after you move in with him. After all, why should a man buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?"

Kokuro rolled her eyes at her sister's use of the outdated phrase. Sometimes Kaiya sounded like an eighty year old woman fussing about 'those darn young people.' Unable to keep her comments to herself, she retorted, "I find that ironic coming from a woman who allowed another farmer's bull to jump the fence and is now carrying his calf."

"Oh, ha ha ha," her sister snapped, finishing off her whole glass of water as if it were an alcoholic drink.

"I don't want to get married. Actually, I was scared to death that was what he was about to ask me," she admitted, finished off her filet mignon and wishing she had ordered the sixteen ounce prime rib instead.

"Why are you so dead set against marriage?" her sister queried, signaling the waitress for a refill. "Would you like another steak? I'll indulge you."

"Of course. But only since you asked," she said, smiling at her sister before requesting another filet.

"How about a whole side of beef?"

"Can I order that?"

~\..'../~

* * *

Kokuro had just completed moving in to her boyfriend's house. She had left him exhausted and asleep in bed after their slow and satisfying lovemaking session. Unable to sleep, she had come to sit on the back porch. Poking at the low, warm fire in the fire pit, she curled into her blanket and smiled with satisfaction. Her life had officially become perfect. Dreamily staring into the flames of red and gold, drowsiness began to set it. Although she knew she should move, retreat to the warm house and her boyfriend's arms, she stayed on the couch on the screen enclosed porch and fell asleep.

Hours later, she awoke with a start. Looking around in confusion, she saw the fire was had burned down to coals that were still emitting a tremendous amount of heat. Hearing a scraping noise to her right, she immediately came to full wakefulness. Calling Touta's name warranted her no reply but there was definitely something out here with her.

"Show yourself," she demanded, holding her breath as the shadows in the corner moved and seemed to breathe.

The mass of black moved as if gathering itself and two glowing red lights appeared where eyes would be. The being stepped into the light to reveal itself to be a skeletal Shinigami wearing aviator goggles on his forehead and black leather pilot's jacket. His brown hair stood up on end on his skull with a red band tied around it to keep it from falling over his bony face. He was wearing a messenger's bag with the strap going across his chest.

"Who are you?" she asked, wondering why the Death god was here. She had planned on seeing Midora in the future so this unfamiliar Shinigami took her by surprise. It was her assumption he had touched her with the notebook while she was sleeping since she could see him. That was probably what had awakened her.

"My friend Ryuk suggested I find a human to amuse me. Midora told me I should come to you because you would be a good candidate to keep me busy," he said and seemed to grin.

"Oh? Is that so?" she returned simply, knowing Ryuk was the Death god who had given Light Yagami his Death Note. She was almost disappointed Midora had not come herself.

"I have something for you," he proclaimed, pulling up the flap of his bag. He produced one of the black notebooks she had become all too familiar with.

"What makes you think I want that?" she questioned him, not moving a muscle. Her eyes stared at his skeletal face with disdain and anger. Did Midora think another Shinigami could convince her to take the notebook?

"You'll become a god," he told her, holding out the notebook.

"I'm already one man's goddess," she shot back. The prospect of being a deity had never appealed to her. She already had enough responsibility on her shoulders. Besides, being a cold-hearted killer did not really appeal to her either.

"You'll have power, control over people's lives," he tried again. "You will hold their life or death in your hands."

"I already have that. It's really overrated. People pay me to tell them what to do and control their lives," she answered, yawning as if to show her boredom with his attempts to entice her.

"Don't tell me there's never been anyone you hated so much you wanted them dead," he said temptingly, tentatively stepping closer to her while keeping the Death Note held out in front of him like a peace offering to the openly hostile woman.

An image of Shuichi Aizawa formed in her head, and her eyes moved to the notebook while sparking with interest. "Every human has wanted someone dead at some time for one reason or another. It's one of the horrid things about being human. We have an amazing capacity for love and hate."

"Who is he?"

"What?"

"Who's the man you want dead?" the Shinigami asked and his weird smile seemed to grow. He had finally hit on something. "You can make it happen with this notebook."

Kokuro leaned forward with her arm outstretched for the Death Note.

"Koko, what the hell are you doing?" Touta queried, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

"No, wait!" she yelled as the Shinigami's wings unfolded from his back, and he seemed to vaporize he moved so fast. 'Took off like a bat out of hell,' she thought to herself. She could not help but smile at the wildly appropriate comparison that had sprung to mind.

"What was it?" Shivering, he walked over to her and took her by the hand to bring her inside. "It's freezing out here. You'll get sick if you don't come inside."

"Nothing," she lied.

Touta was too tired to argue with her. He knew she was lying to him but did not feel like pursuing it. Not tonight. He was still trying to figure out why he could not see the Shinigami that had visited her. Apparently, it was not Midora who had come to her.


	12. Troubled

Touta was cold. Opening his eyes he found himself engulfed in a thick blanket of white moisture. At first he thought it was snow until he realized the water droplets were suspended in the air, and they were cold but not frozen: fog. Reaching into the blinding white, he knew he was searching for something, someone. Kokuro. The word left his lips in a whisper as the silhouette of a human body began to form in the fog. To his disappointment and dismay, it was not her. It was a man. Perfectly coiffed shiny brown hair with bangs softly graced a handsome face over maroon brown eyes that glinted with just the slightest bit of sinister evil. A menacing smile lifted the corners of the lips in a mirthless grin that told him the man would be happy to kill him and that he was definitely NOT happy to see him. Light Yagami.

"What the hell..." Touta stumbled backwards, falling as Light moved toward him. Pain shot up his spine in a debilitating mixture with the fear that threatened to drive him over the edge of sanity. He had not felt like this since he stared down at the lifeless body of the man who was now standing over him.

"You stole something very important from me," Light told him in a calm, almost pleasant voice. "I'm back to steal something important from you."

This time the body taking shape through the fog was indeed his beloved Koko. She was bound with chains labeled hatred, anger, violence, and murder. A fire leapt to life at her feet before the flames virtually crawled up her legs to burn away the material of her dress within seconds. Her mouth opened and emitted a scream of agony that split the ghastly silence of the fog. The eerie sound ricocheted in his head causing him to cover his ears with his hands but her horrid screams would not stop. Squeezing his eyes shut, he began to yell himself to block out the horrifying sounds of her dying. Then nothing - thankfully it ended. Carefully opening his eyes while removing his hands from his ears, he was greeted with a soundless void and the encompassing cloud of white. The fog began to drift away in wisps of white as two glowing red orbs appeared mere feet from him. A grinning skull suddenly thrust itself in his face, but he was too terrified to scream. The skeletal fingers dug into his shoulders as the skull cackled in joyous insanity. The sound stopped as abruptly as it had began, and he could feel the heated red eyes burning into the skin of his face.

"She's mine, Matsuda! I will take her from you and there is not a damn thing you can do to stop it," the apparition threatened before disappearing.

"Light!" he yelled, finally being awakened by the nightmare. Sitting upright in the bed, he continued to exclaim curses and threats at the Shinigami that had invaded his dreams. "Kokuro, no!"

Kokuro was instantly awake, frightened by him bellowing in the middle of the night from a dead sleep. The name he had called out penetrated into her rational thought making her begin to tremble as she wrapped her arms around the panicked man at her side.

"It's okay, it's okay," she chanted, stroking his hair to calm him. Deep within, she knew it was definitely not okay. Why were memories of Light Yagami haunting him again? He had come so far, and she thought it was behind them both. She held onto him tenaciously as he fought her, pushing at her and grunting as if she was the one he was trying to escape. "It's me! It was a dream!"

"What?" he asked, glancing around in the room in confusion. His deep brown eyes held that vulnerable, hurt expression she had seen there when he had first arrived at her office.

"It was a dream," she repeated, pressing her hands to his cheeks and forcing him to look at her.

"A dream?" he inquired, gradually coming out of the dream stupor. Grabbing her face and pulling her lips to his, he kissed her with the intensity of a man who has not seen the woman he loves in years - or like one who might never see her again.

Kokuro tightened her grip around his neck as if to save him from whatever despair he seemed to be drowning in. She ripped her lips from his, looking to his eyes. That pained expression of deep emotional distress was no longer there. Pressing her lips to his more gently for a kiss of love rather than desperation, she moved into his lap to be closer to him. Her body responded in its normal manner with a surge of arousal when his lips dropped from hers to plant a kiss to her neck. Her fingers worked their way into his silky hair as his kisses moved downward.

Touta wanted to be as close to her as possible. He had to remind himself that she was here and that she was his. His fingertips grazed her nipple, feeling it harden instantly in response to his gentle touch. God, he loved how her body reacted so fast to his slightest touch. Lifting her up slightly, he turned her to position her on top of him with her back against his chest.

"Touta," she gasped with satisfaction as he slid inside of her easily and naturally. She leaned back against him, groaning throatily with pleasure as his hands covered her breasts. With her hands pressed to the bed, she moved herself up on him before allowing gravity to do it's work to pull her back down.

Lovemaking in this position was slow and unhurried, allowing them time to concentrate on each other while experiencing amazing ecstasy. That was just how Touta wanted it. His hands glided across her soft skin, exploring every inch of her chest and belly before drifting lower. He could not stop the smile from curling his lips after she jumped and called his name when his fingers found the little pleasure button hidden within her hot, moist folds.

Kokuro bucked her hips, covering his hand with hers as he worked her into a frenzy of passion that released inside of her with the intensity of a nuclear bomb. It left her devastated and panting on top of him, but he was not done yet. She compliantly and happily waited for him as he held her tightly around the waist and continued to move inside of her.

"God, you feel so good," he murmured in her ear, licking at her earlobe.

Kokuro could not stop herself from giggling because it tickled and she was giddy from her mind-blowing orgasm. She shrieked in joyous surprise when he pushed her forward, unhinging her body from his. Finding herself on her hands and knees on the bed, disappointment was just about to set in before she felt him impale her once again. A sign of gratification passed her lips and she pushed her body back into him to take him as deep as possible.

"Oh, yes, baby, that's it," Touta mumbled, grabbing her hips and holding on for the ride as she moved her body forward and back.

Kokuro lost herself, driven by his moans of pleasure and wanting to give him the magnificent satisfaction he had given her. She pistoned her body like a madwoman not caring that her biceps and thighs were beginning to burn from the ferocity of her movements. What she was doing was pleasing him and that was all she wanted.

"Koko," he moaned, his short fingernails digging into her buttocks as he lurched forward and shot into her as the orgasm raced through his body. Every nerve from head to toe was singed by the white-hot heat of the magnificent orgasm that racked his body. Dropping onto the bed beside her, he pulled her down with him while encompassing her body with his arms.

Kokuro could not stop the titter of contentment and bliss that bubbled up from deep within her.

"I'm sorry," she apologized, stiffling another one. It seemed so inappropriate to laugh at this moment. "I'm just so..._happy,_" she stated in a tone of voice as if she was astounded by this fact.

Touta smiled, slapping her on the ass. The sharp smacking sound coupled with her breathy "ow" made him feel like laughing himself. He knew he had not hurt her. Considering they were both numb from their orgasms, he doubted much would hurt either one of them in this moment.

Neither one of them knew they were being watched by a curious and vindictive Shinigami who was bent on destroying their happiness.

~\..'../~

* * *

Eskil Thanos* boredly kicked a bleached white skull across the dusty plain of the Shinigami realm. His mind was racing to formulate a plan to trick the woman into taking and using the Death Note. Snatching up a long brittle femur, he broke the bone across his own skeletal thigh completely ignoring the irony of it all. He was irritated and angry. If that man had not shown up when he did, he was sure she would have taken the Death Note. Damn him! He seemed to have the vague memory of that man screwing up plans for him in the past. His past and who or what he was before was a blur. Occasionally bursts of memory would be sparked by something or someone he saw in the human world. That man had been the cause of one of these confusing remembrances. As soon as he saw the man standing on the porch, his anger had flared like the flash fire from a Molotov cocktail. The image of a gun barrel had appeared in his mind's eye just before the crack of it firing penetrated his memory. Then pain. A sharp stinging had filled his arms, thighs, and chest as if he had flesh on his bones. Had he been human? Had this man been the cause of his demise? All he knew was that he immediately hated the man and wanted to destroy him. Intuitively he knew getting to the woman was the way to do that. Ryuk had been correct in telling him that he would not be bored in the human world and would find a fascinating subject to excite him.

Continuing across the vast, bleak desert of white sand and dead things, he thought about what he did know about himself. Eskil Thanos' definitive memories begin when he awoke in the Shinigami Realm having just been created by the King of Death. The King had seemed to want to create him in his own image giving him the same appearance of being a skull. He was thankful the similarities ended with the skeletal visage of his face. He would certainly not want that huge hulking body of the King that could not motivate on its own and hung suspended from chains. The four arms with three clawlike fingers was extraordinarily unappealing. In his not so humble opinion, he viewed himself as the handsomest Shinigami since he was completely proportional and bore the most human like appearance - even if it was without skin.

"What's up, Eskil Thanos?" Ryuk asked sitting in one of the dead apple trees above his head. His permanent Cheshire cat grin seemed to widen upon seeing his friend's misery. He tossed the shriveled black apple into the air before regarding it briefly and tossing it away. Shinigami apples: disgusting things filled with sand and no taste. He could not wait to visit the human world again and get one of the nice juicy red apples. His mouth watered with the thought.

"You're a crafty one, Ryuk," Eskil Thanos remarked, hoping to appeal to the ridiculous Shinigami's vanity. Although the comment would be well deserved if he had been so inclined to be sincere. Ryuk was indeed a resourceful and conniving Shinigami having managed to trick the vastly wise Shinigami King himself. Surely one human woman would be no match for the wily Ryuk.

"What do you want?" Ryuk asked suspiciously, watching the skeletal Shinigami's bony maw turn downward into a frown. He was endlessly fascinated with the the bag of bones who could experience and express emotions. The King of Death had outdone himself on making this one.

Eskil Thanos gulped, feeling sick at his stomach (as if he had one) from the next admission he was about to make. "I need your help."

"What's in it for me?" he queried, hopping down from the parched tree to land on the powdery soil with a slight poof of dust being stirred up by his impact.

This was too easy. "I'll bring you a bushel of apples if you can convince a woman to take the Death Note and use it."

Ryuk smiled so hard his face nearly split completely in two. This was going to be so simple it was almost unfair to take him up on his offer.

* * *

*Since the unnamed Shinigami is just that, I picked this name for him since it means (basically) God's cauldron of Death. I like the mythology purported among fans that the unnamed Shinigami is a reincarnation of Light. If you don't like it, no one is making you read this story.


	13. Temptation

Touta stared at her over his coffee cup. He wanted to ask her again who, or rather _what_, she was talking to on the porch last night. Rubbing his hand over his face, he sighed loudly ending with a growl when the recollection of the dream invaded his mind again. His head ached and he was tired. Despite their marvelous lovemaking session last night, he had been unable to get back to sleep. The dream had shaken him more than he cared to admit to himself much less to her. He did not want to worry her. He could only think that it was that Shinigami who had appeared to her; the one she refused to tell him about.

"Koko, tell me about last night," he prodded her, watching her grow pale as if the color was literally being drained from her face.

Kokuro gulped then took a large swallow of her coffee in hopes of completely dissolving the lump in her throat. She did not want to tell him. Him shouting Light's name in horror during his sleep last night had upset her greatly. It sounded as if part of his past had already come back to torture him. She not want to make it worse by telling him that part of that past had made a personal visit to her.

"Please don't lie to me anymore. Don't do it to protect me," Touta said, raising his eyes to hers.

Kokuro rose from her chair to go to him. Sitting down in his lap, she pressed her lips to his for a gentle kiss. Her fingers brushed through the front of his hair to sweep the overly long bangs to the side.

"It was a Shinigami, Touta. It wasn't Midora but a new one," she confessed, going on to describe the skeletal Death god.

"Oh, no," he muttered, covering his face with his hand. She had described, down the smallest detail, the Shinigami he had seen in his dream - the one he believed to be Light. He did not know where Shinigami came from or how they were created and he didn't really care. All he knew, way deep down in his gut, was that new Shinigami had to be a reincarnation of Light Yagami.

"I didn't want to tell you," she murmured, encircling his neck with her arms. She could feel him trembling beneath her.

"I know. But I'm glad you did," he told her, kissing her briefly and embracing her firmly. Twisting one of her long loose curls around his finger, his eyes met hers. "I needed you to tell me the truth. You have to trust me, with everything, always."

Kokuro almost returned that she did trust him with everything but she did not. There was still a part of her that she reserved and kept closed off from him. She could not admit to him that she wanted to take the Death Note and was about to when he interrupted the conversation. Pulling him back toward her, she put her arms around him once more to hold him.

"Don't take that book. It's evil. Please..." Touta implored her, pulling her head back to look into her hazel eyes. "Promise me."

Kokuro bent her head to kiss him on the lips. She lifted her head quickly when his only response was to place his hands on her upper arms and squeeze. He had not even closed his eyes and was staring at her intently to show her he was extremely serious about this.

"I promise," she mumbled, feeling a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. She did not like lying to him. There was no way she could say with a hundred percent certainty that she would never be tempted again to take the notebook or give in to that tempation. She knew under the right circumstances even the kindest most complacent person could become a raging killer. Due to her sometimes violent outbursts of anger, she knew she was already much closer than that.

Touta's lips were about to contact hers when her cell phone went off. It was her sister's own special ring tone and since Kaiya was close to the end of her pregnancy, Kokuro answered it. He watched her face as it broke into a massive smile that almost instantly turned into a frown. What did that mean? He waited for some clues but she never uttered a word until she hung up the phone.

"We need to go to the hospital," she said, standing up from his lap.

"What's wrong?" he asked, rising to his feet and taking her by the shoulders that were quivering from the tears she was holding back.

"They're about to do a c-section. Kaiya is almost dead. They're hoping the baby is not dead. Let's go."

~\0/~

"The baby was too big. He lodged in the birth canal. Her body began to tear open and the doctor pushed the baby back up but..." Hideki allowed his words to trail off as he watched Kokuro turn so white she appeared to have become a ghost.

Kokuro slowly rose to her feet. Despite her shaky, weak legs, she stepped toward the window to stare outside. The clouds had gathered, darkening the sky. A flash of lightning split the sky and seemed to rip open the dark gray clouds. Rain began to fall, dotting the huge plate glass window she was standing in front of. Pressing her fingertips and nose to the window, she watched the lightning flash and the raindrops fall as the wind began to blow sending leaves and people scurrying for cover. The weather matched the storm raging within her body. Her sister had been in surgery for an hour already. Kaiya was still hemorrhaging and they could not find out from where. The baby was still alive at the moment but was hooked to all sorts of breathing tubes and monitors to check his vital signs constantly while a nurse stood by the enclosed plastic bassinette.

This was horrible, simply horrible. It was supposed to be a joyous occasion; a momentous occasion full of happiness and laughter when a first child is born. And then there was _him. _Kokuro's eyes slid to the corners so she could glare at Shuichi Aizawa without turning her head. She hated him. This was all his fault. She knew it took two to tango that her sister had not been lured or tricked into the affair but it was so much easier to hate him instead of her sister. She did not care that man was as worried and upset as all of them. It was his baby after all. Maybe that was what pissed her off and made her blame him: it was **his **baby. She kept him in her vision as he jumped up from the couch to pace the room. Once again staring out of the window, she kept watch on him in the reflection of the window.

...

"That's her weak point. We can use that," Ryuk muttered to Eskil Thanos as they kept their presence unknown while observing her. If they allowed her to see them hovering outside of the window right in front of her, it might scare the hell out of her and make her more resistant to another offer.

"That man? What about the other one?" he asked, glaring at the one named Touta. That inexplicable rage flared and he wished he could remember what it was for. Maybe it would come to him eventually.

Ryuk did not answer his question but they both watched in silence as Shuichi Aizawa approached the silently seething woman and touched her. She recoiled from his hand on her shoulder and glowered at him with such a look of open hatred on her face it make both of the Shinigami wince. Ryuk chuckled with devilish delight, taking a bite of the crisp, red and oh so delicious advance payment in his hand.

"Ooooh," he murmured, tossing the apple into the air and catching it easily in his massive maw filled with shark like teeth. "This is about to get interesting."

...

"Why are you even here?" Kokuro hissed at him, resembling an irritated cat not only with the sound she made but her shoulders were lifted and if her hair was not so long it would surely be standing on end. She could feel the short hairs rising on the back of her neck with her surge of anger as the man stared at her with a stricken and hurt expression on his pale worn face.

"But I love her. And it's my baby!" he exclaimed self-protectively.

Kokuro glimpsed her brother-in-law's face after Shuichi said that. Hideki looked absolutely undone by the statement and was gaping in shock and unbelievable emotional pain. He was completely aware of whose baby it was and did not need to be reminded especially not here and not now.

"You son of a bitch," she snarled through her clenched teeth. No one could get to her fast enough to prevent her from striking him. She did not bother with a feminine slap; she hit him in the jaw with a closed fist punch backed by all of the fury inside of her.

Shuichi stumbled backwards, pressing his hand to his throbbing jaw. If he were not livid and resisting the urge to return the punch, he would have been impressed with the incredibly hard shot. Black dots appeared in his vision along with bursts of light like fireworks. If he did not want to reach out and throttle her, he would be in awe of the strength of the haymaker.

"I wish you were dead," she growled, stalking past him to get to the elevator. She had to leave. Another moment here and she would either kill him with her bare hands or jump out of that fourth story window.

"Koko!" Touta shouted, trying to catch up with her but the wrath within her was pushing her along too fast. He was almost to the elevator when the doors began closing.

"I've got to go. I'll be back later. Make sure he's not here," she said, slouching against the wall in a suddenly exhausted heap as the doors closed.

"Dammit!"

...

"Let's go!" Ryuk exclaimed, virtually giddy with excitement. They had their chance. She was at a wonderfully vulnerable place emotionally so they had to act fast. Humans always made such fantastically stupid and regrettable decisions when they were angry, and this woman was at a breaking point mentally from the ire and anguish roiling inside of her. He doubted there would be a better opportunity than this to get to her.

Kokuro rushed into the chapel on the first floor. It was a beautiful, tranquil little room. There were comfortable seats set up in rows. She went to the front, plopping down heavily into a seat against the wall. Leaning against the dark wood paneling, her eyes traveled around the room. There were stained glass windows set into the wall that must have lights behind them since the room was in the middle of the building yet there was a glow behind the glass causing the colors to reflect on the light sandy brown carpet. Her eyes stopped and remained fixed on the window of the crucified Christ.

"Please don't let her die," she begged, closing her eyes. "Or the baby."

Kokuro did not want the baby to die despite who the father was. If there was a truly an innocent party in the whole mess, the baby was surely it. She did not understand how Hideki had accepted the whole thing and was willing to raise the child as his own. Grabbing her head, she released the sob of misery she had been withholding. She jumped when she felt a hand on her head stroking her. Then the voice made her blood run cold.

"Don't cry, my dear," the raspy male voice murmured.

What was meant to be consoling was instead unbelievably unnerving. Kokuro opened her eyes and slowly turned her head to see her comforter. He must be tall because sitting in the seat beside her he was still over a foot above her. He wasn't human for sure with the overly long arms and legs encased in black leather and a white face set with huge bulging red eyes and a mouth that would make a shark envious.

"Where in the hell do you guys keep coming from?" she muttered, wanting to pull away from him as he continued to pet her but she was between him and the wall with no where to go.

"Not hell but not faraway from it either," he responded, smiling at her.

Kokuro shivered from the unbearably creepy expression on the already unsettling face. Her throat and mouth felt like the Sahara desert. Looking away from the Shinigami, she kept her eyes focused on the small fountain in front of her with a miniature plaster sculpture of a woman holding a water jar from which the water flowed. She swallowed convulsively, wishing he would stop brushing his long black fingernails through her hair. Just when she thought he could not freak her out anymore, he moved closer to her, pressing his thigh against hers and placing his black lips near her ear.

Eskil Thanos watched the whole interaction with a smirk on his bony face. He wanted to warn Ryuk that he was frightening the woman but watching her squirm was satisfying. He had an unexplainable disdain for humans in general and a pure unadulterated hate for one in particular. Seeing her suffer, knowing she belonged to Touta Matsuda, made him indescribably happy.

"Tell me," Ryuk invited, placing a long dark talon against her cheek to turn her to face him. "Tell me, what has made such a beautiful lady become so full of ugly sadness?"

"Unbelievable," Eskil Thanos groaned. If he could vomit, he would. He watched with fascination as the woman broke and poured out the whole story in a flood of tears and snot that she wiped away with the tissues the supposedly sympathetic Shinigami handed her from the box on his other side. Ryuk was magnificent to watch while using his manipulative and subversive techniques to get what he wanted. It still shocked him that it actually worked. This would be worth a whole orchard of apples. He patiently waited as the exploitave Shinigami continued to talk to the woman and work her emotions to wear her down.

"Don't you think something should be done?" he asked after her long rant about Shuichi Aizawa. Although he knew the man, he no loyalties to anyone - human or Shinigami. He enjoyed doing what he was doing anyway no matter who it hurt. He reached behind him to Eskil Thanos, beckoning him to hand over the Death Note. "There's a permanent solution to your problem you know. You can remove the man who stands in the way of your sister's happiness with her husband. If you get him out of the way, he won't ruin their lives any further."

"But how?" she sniffed, blowing her nose and making a trumpeting sound. Both Shinigami chuckled; they could not help it. To usually be such a lovely and self-possessed woman, she was a disgusting wreck at the moment and they found it humorous.

Ryuk lay the black leather bound book in her lap on top of her trembling hands. Laying his hand on top of it to hold it against her, he whispered in her ear, "I have a pen if you need it."


	14. Saved

Kokuro stared at the book in her lap. Her fingers traced each letter before opening the cover. She caressed the pristine white page lined with the faintest blue lines. So this was it. It looked like any other notebook yet it held the power to kill. She could rid the world of murderers and rapists; all sorts of degenerates who did not deserve to live and only preyed upon other humans causing nothing but misery and disaster in their wake. Blights of humanity who threatened her own personal happiness could be exterminated as well.

"Shuichi Aizawa," she breathed, stroking the page as if it were a favored pet instead of a notebook.

Eskil Thanos could feel his bones vibrating with excitement. They were so close. She was almost there. He could almost read her thoughts with every expression that passed over her face, changing and morphing her features with each new feeling. Somehow he perceived her thoughts and emotions as if he had gone through the same process once himself. Reaching into his messenger's bag, he pulled out a plain black pen. Edging closer to her, he held it out for her.

"You're just writing a name. That's all," he said, staring at her with his glowing red eyes.

Kokuro stared at him as she reached for the pen. Her fingers grazed the skeletal ones holding the pen but neither one of them flinched from the contact. She uncapped the pen, placing the cap between her teeth. Holding the pen over the page, she debated one last time. Did she really want to do this? What did she have to lose? A picture of Touta Matsuda formed in her head. 'Light!' she heard him scream again as the memory replayed in her head from the night he woke up scared witless from the nightmare he had experienced. Recollections of the sad emotional state he was in when he was her patient poured into her mind next; the fear, the sadness, the desperation, the hate, and the anger. Light had used one of these Death Notes and killed thousands of people. Staring down at the pen in her hand that now rested on the paper, her stomach lurched and she almost vomited right there in the chapel when a singular disturbing thought hit her: she would become what nearly destroyed Touta.

"No," she gasped, throwing the pen across the room and shoving the notebook onto the floor. Standing to her feet, she ran from the chapel as if she were running for her life. He had no doubt the Death gods would be back to tempt her again.

"Ahhhh, dammit!" Eskil Thanos growled, retrieving the notebook and not worrying about the pen. "What the hell happened?!"

"Patience, friend," Ryuk drawled lazily, holding out his hand for another apple. "She's getting closer each time."

"No more until she writes the name," he said with conviction, shielding the bag from the grasping hands of the Shinigami who lusted for apples.

Ryuk cackled mirthlessly at the frustrated Death god who would be most likely be pouting if he had lips.

Kokuro ran out into the pouring rain not sure where she was going. Blinded by tears and distracted by the mind numbing fear of what she had almost done, she ran. Charging into the parking lot, the sound of the tires squealing filled her addled brain and she shielded her eyes from the blinding headlights as the car skidded to a stop within inches of her legs.

"Hey, lady! What the hell is wrong with you?" a surly man yelled from his car.

Kokuro started running again; going where exactly she was not sure. She had crossed the parking lot and was running across a wide grassy area with a large gazebo in the middle and benches placed at random intervals along the cement walkway that snaked its way through the grass. A park? The rain pounded her head and soaked her body, but she did not notice. Her phone began to ring in her pocket and she pulled it out.

"Where are you going?" Touta's voice came from the phone loud and clear before she could issue a greeting.

"I-I d-don't - " she stammered, turning around in circles in confusion. "I don't know!"

Touta watched her from his vantage point at the fourth floor window. He could see her standing in the middle of the small park next to the hospital under the bronze glow from the halogen street lamps. She did not seem to notice the rain and appeared to be hopelessly lost and disoriented. Where had she been? What had happened to her?

"Stay there!" he ordered, moving toward the elevator. "I'm coming to you!"

Kokuro fled to the gazebo to take shelter from the rain although it was too late. She was soaked through to the skin and the initial shock was wearing off leaving her a dripping wet quivering mess. Her tears ran down her face unchecked being completely camouflaged by the raindrops clinging to her skin. However, the intermittent sobs that racked her body and made her lose her breath betrayed her. She wished she had never heard of those damn Death Notes or Shinigami or Shuichi Aizawa or -

"Koko!" Touta called by her nickname that only the people who loved her most used. He ran to her stopping in front of her. He was a bit breathless; more so from panic than the physical exertion of running after her.

"I almost took it, Touta. I was going to write his name in it. I - I" she stuttered and faltered, falling forward into his open arms when she fainted.

"Oh, Koko, what the hell did you _almost_ do?" he muttered, lurching forward to keep a hold on her and keep himself from toppling backwards. Hefting her body into his arms, he slowly and painstakingly made his way to the car in the pouring rain. He would call Hideki later to let him know what was going on - just as soon as he found out for himself.

~\0/~

Kokuro felt like she was floating, surrounded by warmth. The sound of water dripping met her ears then a soothing flow of liquid heat washed over her shoulder and chest. She sighed with contentment, shifting slightly against something solid yet giving. It was warm and comforting. Fingers stroked her cheek and something wet flowed of her skin and trickled down her neck. Soft lips pressed a kiss to her forehead. This was the loveliest dream.

"Koko," Touta whispered, pouring a handful of water over her shoulder once more. He had brought her home and lay her unconscious body on the floor of the bathroom while he ran a tub full of hot water. He had wanted to get her warmed up as soon as possible and a bath seemed like the easiest way. It had not been difficult to see that she was suffering from shock. Rather than giving everyone something else to worry about by taking her into the hospital, he had brought her home instead. She needed to wake up before the bath water got cold.

"Touta," she moaned, her eyes fluttering open. The reality was just as great as the dream when she recognized her handsome boyfriend and became aware that they were both naked and in the tub. Oh, yes this was just wonderful. Turning to face him, she pressed her lips against his for a hungry, yearning kiss.

"Do you want to do this here or in the bed?" he asked as she straddled his hips. He groaned with pleasure as she slid down on top of him, the water offering extra resistance that was very appealing. "Mmmm, here is good."

Kokuro slid her fingers through his hair, wetting it down and slicking it back as she pressed kisses over every inch of his face while moving slowly on top of him. He was her favorite comfort object and she was taking advantage of that fact at the moment - not that he minded which was made evident by his moans and breathless utterances of her name. The lovemaking was unhurried and lengthy as they both took comfort in each others body and kisses while whispering words of love to each other. By the time they were finally done, the water was cold which prompted them to get out and dry off quickly before curling up in bed together.

"I had it in my hands," Kokuro whispered, her body starting to shiver again. She stopped talking to bask in the heat of his body as he held her more tightly against him with his arms enclosing her waist. "I had the pen to the paper, Touta."

"Oh, god," he groaned, pressing his face against her back. He could not lose another person he loved to one of those damn Death Notes. Soichiro Yagami, the Chief he had admired so much; Light Yagami, the boy who had become a man with so much potential. He had even lost Sayu, Light's sister, who he had been in love with. She was now institutionalized and would be for the rest of her life from the trauma she had suffered due to the whole incident revolving around the book. A whole family destroyed by the lethal notebook, not to mention the many colleagues such as Ukita and L who had been killed.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she apologized, repeating the words until her voice trailed off.

Touta held her tightly, possessively - fearfully. How could he stop this? How could he protect her from the Shinigami? Next time she may not stop before she writes a name. He had no doubt the Death gods would be back to tempt her again.


	15. Understanding

Paid administrative leave due to excessive stress; that was the reason the director had given her for ordering her to NOT return to work for the next month after her breakdown at the hospital. Deciding to make the best of her unanticipated time off, Kokuro was staying with her sister since her release from the hospital. At the moment she was staring out of the window, watching the rain fall from the monochromatic gray sky. Dreary, cold, and just plain miserable; her mood mimicked the weather perfectly. The muted howl from the next room caught her attention and broke her out of her depressing thoughts. Tiptoeing past her sleeping sister, she hurried to the Tetsuya's room before he woke his mother. She picked up the crying baby that was the size of the average six month old at only six days old. The doctor had explained him being oversized was due to the onset of gestational diabetes that had not been monitored late in her pregnancy. Why had he not detected it? No one would ask and they would not allow her near the doctor. She would have given him more than a piece of her mind or a lawsuit for nearly killing her sister and her nephew. Holding the heavy baby against her chest, she took him to the kitchen where a bottle waited for him. Once the bottle was warmed, she settled into the huge puffy chair in the living room with the baby nestled into the crook of her arm. She stared down at the child as he sucked down the bottle and sighed with approval. The sting of guilt pricked her when she remembered how she resented this child before he was born. Now she loved him as if he were her very own.

"Oh, sweetheart, that's all there is," she murmured to him, having a bit of difficulty breaking the suction between the baby's still sucking mouth and the nipple. After wiggling her pinky finger into the corner of his mouth, she broke the suction and popped the bottle free before he filled his tummy with air.

"Well, this is a pretty picture," Hideki commented when he walked into the room.

Kokuro smiled happily as she nuzzled the drowsy baby who was laying on her chest. She giggled lightly when he released a loud burp of satisfaction then snuggled into her to go back to sleep. Her lips grazed his silky soft head before placing a kiss on the pulsing soft spot where his skull had not yet fused.

"So have you and Touta discussed the possibility of children?" he asked, sitting down on the oversized ottoman where her feet were propped.

"Hideki, please," she muttered, closing her eyes and patting the baby's back. She knew where this conversation was about to lead.

"You haven't even discussed the possibility of marriage have you?"

She was waiting for that. "No."

"Why are you such a commitment-phobe?" he inquired, laying his hand over hers that was on the baby's back.

Kokuro opened her eyes to look at her brother-in-law. She wanted to ask him so many questions right now. How can he still be here? How can he raise another man's child as his own? How can he still love his wife after her infidelity? He was either a very strong man with a heart of gold or a complete fool. She had not decided which he was yet.

"Why can't you forgive them? I have," he said, placing his hand against her cheek.

"How could you do that?" she questioned him, avoiding his penetrating gaze.

"Forgiving them doesn't mean I condone what they did. She's my wife and he's my best friend. How could I go on with my life if I didn't? And this child," he said, kissing the baby on the head. "He's completely innocent. How could I hate him?"

"Doesn't that make it all the more hurtful? Because she is your wife and he was supposed to be your best friend? They should have known better. They're adults for god's sake. That's why I prefer to live in a world of rationality, devoid of emotions. Emotions only lead to trouble," she muttered, shivering when she thought about how close she came to allowing her emotions to push her to do something truly stupid and devastating. She guessed she should understand how emotions can drive a person to do crazy things. She had almost succumbed to it herself. Raising her eyes to meet his, she asked, "You've seen them, right? The Shinigami?"

"Yes, I have," he answered, lowering his eyes. He turned to the side, dropping his chin to his chest. His hands hung limply between his knees as he thought back to the nightmare of the Kira case and Light Yagami.

Kokuro thought he looked positively deflated; devoid suddenly of his very humanity. What the hell did the whole Kira matter do to them? How deep did the psychological scars run for them all? Reaching out to touch his shoulder, she felt him stiffen beneath her touch yet he did not move.

"Koko, I've seen what hatred and unforgiveness can do to people...how it destroys them. Vanity and conceit can be just as deadly," he stated in a warning tone before standing up.

"But I'm not - "

"Are you sure?" he demanded, cutting her off before she could defend herself. "You sure have been sitting on top of your high horse looking down at us for months now."

Kokuro felt a wave of shame and embarrassment wash over her because he was correct. She had been judging them and despising all of them for months when she was no more immune to common human failings than them. Biting the inside of her mouth to stem the tide of tears, she held the baby tightly to her chest as she stood up to return him to his room. After laying him down in his bed, she exited the room in a big hurry to run right into Hideki who was standing at the door.

"What - " Before she could ask what he wanted, his lips covered hers in a gentle yet insistent kiss. Pressing her hands against his chest, she struggled to push him away as she tried to pull her lips from his. One of the reasons her sister had been so taken with the man immediately became evident as he refused to let her go, hanging on to her while exerting the same tender but firm pressure on her lips. He was a great kisser and she found herself kissing him back before he shoved her against the wall. Her head hit the wall with a jarring slam that made a jolt of pain shoot through her brain. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"See," he growled in her face while he pinned her to the wall with her arms. "You're no better than them. It's quite easy to fall prey to temptation isn't it when your life is going to hell and you don't know what to do?"

Kokuro chewed her lower lip nervously and avoided meeting his gaze. It seems like he could have taught her this lesson in a less offensive way but then again he knew how hard-headed she was and what kind of shocking tactics it took to open her eyes sometimes.

"Oh and Matsuda has become much less of an idiot since he's been with you. I think you should keep him. Don't keep being stupid and thinking you're so much better than the rest of us. You need love just like anyone and he's probably the best damn man to give it to you. Don't screw it up, Koko,"

Kokuro sank down to the floor while keeping her back pressed to the wall. She stared at the beige carpet while he walked away from her. What was _that_? Hideki had always been a quiet and rational man. Obviously, he knew the best way to deal with her irrationality. He had woken her up out of her emotionally damaged stupor. She claimed to keep emotions out of it, to avoid clouding her thinking. Apparently she had been lying to herself the whole time.

~...~

"Have you thought about getting married?" Kokuro inquired with feigned nonchalance as she sat beside Touta watching television. Her heart was beating so loudly in her ears, she could not even hear her own thoughts.

"To you?" he joked, unable to hide the smile on his face.

"Were you considering someone else?" She poked him in the ribs, chortling when he jumped and giggled like a shy girl.

"Of course not. It was too much trouble convincing you it was okay to feel something. Why would I give up now?" He slid his fingers through her hair and brought her lips to his.

Hideki had told him about the shock tactic he had used to shake the woman a bit. They had discussed how worried they were about her; how they would all fall apart for sure if the usually calm, collected Kokuro lost her mind. Looking into her eyes, he did not want to contemplate what he would do without her. She had become too important to him. She had pulled him back from the brink of insanity, and he would do the same for her.

Touta took her hand in his, rubbing his finger across the bare ring finger of her left hand. This was not the romantic proposal he had dreamed of but this was a perfect opportunity to ask - too good to waste it. Bringing her hand to his lips and kissing the finger he wanted to put a little golden band on, he pulled her onto his lap before diving in with no turning back. "Will you marry me?"

Kokuro grabbed him by the ears and pulled his lips to hers. She kissed him with passion and fervor until he had to push her away to breathe. As they both panted for air, she gasped, "Yes! Yes, I'll marry you!"

~...~

"Dammit! What the hell happened?!" Eskil Thanos blurted stomping across the dry and dead landscape of the Shinigami realm.

Kicking the tree in anger where Ryuk napped unaffectedly, he laughed when his startled colleague fell toward the white desert plain. He laughed even harder when the lanky Shinigami created a dust cloud that plumed upwards into the shape of a mushroom, his long arms and legs flailing in the dust while he coughed.

"We're failing miserably here! Not only did we not get the man away from her, they're closer now than ever! And she's sane again!" he bellowed, stomping around the stunned Death god who was getting to his feet.

"_We_ are not failing. _You_ are," Ryuk corrected him. He could not care less if the petulant Shinigami succeeded or failed.

It was disappointing to a degree to see how he had changed since he was no longer human. However, it was not surprising. The Shinigami King had for some reason seen fit to spare him an afterlife of nothingness; being stuck in limbo, never to be free to either experience the joys of heaven or miseries of hell. A smile lit his face as he watched the walking skeleton kick the poor defenseless tree again in his frustration. Yep, Light sure had changed, but he still hated to lose.

This was becoming an endlessly fascinating experiment in human and Shinigami behavior. Ryuk could not be more thrilled.

"Just shut up for a minute and think!" Ryuk yelled, tired of hearing his griping. "You were always good at that when - "

Eskil Thanos whirled around to stare into the jaundiced bug eyes with blood-red irises. "When what?" he demanded to know, his eyes glowing an even brighter red as the silly and sardonic Shinigami grinned at him with that shark toothed, limitless mouth.

"What will you give me if I tell you? I can tell you all about your past. I can tell you why you hate that one particular human so much," he taunted the already annoyed Death god in front of him. "It's a very interesting story. One I'm sure you'd like to hear."


	16. Revelations

"I-I was h-human," the skeletal Shinigami stuttered in disbelief.

"Yes. The most interesting human being I've ever known. Apparently there was something special about you that the Shinigami King saw in you to make you one of us," Ryuk said, greedily snatching the apple Eskil Thanos handed him. "He found a loophole in his own rule, you know. No human who uses a Death Note is allowed to go to Heaven or Hell."

"The Shinigami Realm is neither," Eskil Thanos replied, walking away a few steps.

"Exactly," the bug eyed Death god laughed. "I knew there was something different about you the moment you picked up that Death Note, Light."

"Don't call me that," his colleague snapped, throwing an apple and hitting him in the head with it.

"A bit touchy are we?" he chuckled mirthlessly. Rubbing his head, he bent down to pick up the apple and wipe the dust off of it onto his shirt. He would never let a perfectly tasty, juicy earth apple go to waste, dirt or no dirt.

"So who's the man? The one who is always keeping her from taking the notebook?"

"Touta Matsuda."

Eskil Thanos thought for a minute. The name alone did not stir up any memories.

"In the end, he's the one who killed you and stopped you from becoming the god of a new world like you wanted," Ryuk proclaimed, his black lips stretching into an impossible grin.

"What?" he returned, grabbing his head and crying out when the memories came flooding back.

Flashes of images rocketed through his consciousness making him grit his teeth against the onslaught of memories. One by one the mental pictures of people he knew flipped through his mind. His father, his mother, his sister, Misa Amane...on and on the images appeared and were gone in an instant for the next one to appear. Then the notebook. Writing names and filling the blank pages, men grabbing their chests and foaming at the mouth as they died of heart attacks, numbers changing rapidly to indicate the death toll that ravaged the criminal population. Just when he thought he could not take it anymore it stopped. Everything was black but began to gradually lighten revealing a fuzzy picture that suddenly snapped into clear focus. The muzzle of a gun was pointed into his face. Behind that gun, stood a crying, shaking Touta Matsuda with his teeth gritted. How pathetic and weak.

"I'm sorry, Light," he apologized, keeping his eyes open as he pulled the trigger.

There was a flash and a spine tingling crack as the gun fired and the bullet imbedded itself into his brain, killing him instantly.

"NO, YOU BASTARD!" Eskil Thanos shouted with all his might, dropping to his knees. He pounded the dusty ground in anger sending up plumes of dirt into the air. No wonder he hated that man so much. With renewed fervor, he jumped to his feet and straightened the strap of the messenger bag he always carried. Reaching inside, his bony fingers felt for the smooth leather cover of the notebook. Some way, some how, he would get to her and convince her to take this. Then he would destroy her and Touta Matsuda.

~\..'../~

* * *

Kokuro checked her watch again as she distractedly searched through the rack of wedding dresses. Kaiya was supposed to meet her here thirty minutes ago. Her sister was not known for lateness even with having a child to tend to now. What could be wrong? Pulling out her cell phone, she tried to make another call. The voice mail finally picked up, and she hit end. Sighing loudly, she slid the phone back into her pocket and went back to looking through the dresses. There had been no response to the dozen or so text messages she sent so she did not bother sending another one. Her phone rang and she nearly ripped off the pocket of her jeans trying to get to it.

"Kaiya, where are - oh, Touta," she mumbled trying not to sound so disappointed when she heard his voice. She had not even bothered to look at the caller ID.

"Where are you?" he asked, unable to hide the tremor in his voice.

"What's wrong?" she demanded, walking out of the shop to the sidewalk.

"Where are you?" he repeated, his voice rising.

"I'm at the wedding dress boutique. Kaiya was supposed to meet me here. What's - "

"Stay put. I'm coming to you." Then he ended the call.

Kokuro chewed her lower lip, dropping down lifelessly onto the bench in front of the store. She did not bother to call him back since he had hung up on her so abruptly. What was going on? She could not stop the apprehension from growing inside of her or the random thoughts of all sorts of horrible possibilities that ran through her mind. Within minutes, she saw him pull up in the shiny black sedan that was without a doubt government issued and belonged to the NPA. She stood up and went to the car, opening the door to sit down in the passenger's seat. She could not help but notice his red rimmed eyes which was an instant giveaway that he had been crying.

"Koko, Kaiya is ... " he began, stopping when his voice failed him. Tears welled in his eyes then fell down his cheeks.

"No...please no," she begged, already knowing what he was about to say. How could her sister be dead? The baby was barely three months old and she had recovered from the birth. "What...what happened?"

"It was a car accident," he answered, swiping at the tears with the back of his hand. "Someone ran a red light and hit the driver's side door. She was killed instantly."

"No. It can't be," she moaned, covering her ears. If she didn't hear it, then it couldn't be true. It never happened. This was all bad dream. She was at home in bed and her sister was safe. The phone call had not yet been made to make plans to go shopping for a wedding dress. She did not realize she was rocking and chanting 'no' until she felt Touta's arms go around her body to still her while he whispered in her ear.

"It's okay. It will be okay," he assured her.

"It's not okay! It will never be okay!" she screamed, pushing him away. She got out of his arms and opened the door to get out. Her sister was dead and she was never coming back. She was the last person besides Touta who meant the world to her. But then...she closed the door to lean back into the cloth covered seat. "The baby. Where's Tetsuya?"

"He's at the hospital in pediatric intensive care," he answered, pulling away from the curb to drive her there.

Touta was worried. She had just recovered from the last two major emotional blows that happened back to back: the death of her colleague and friend and the near death of her sister and nephew. And now her sister was dead, unable to cheat the Shinigami a second time. Using one of his hands to cover her hands that were nervously wringing each other in her lap, he kept one hand on the steering wheel to drive while trying to comfort her at the same time. He had specifically told Shuichi Aizawa not to come to the hospital since he was taking Kokuro there. He could only hope the man listened to him.

~...~

Kokuro reached into the fully enclosed plastic incubator to carefully stroke the spot on her nephew's cheek that was not bruised or cut. She stared at her gloved hand longing to touch his silky soft skin to reassure herself that he was here, and he was all right. A breathing tube had been inserted and was helping him breathe to give him the necessary oxygen his lungs required. If she knew who had done this...she pressed her lips together to push back the tears that wanted to fall. The heaviness in her chest developed into a physical ache that left her breathless and dizzy. She had lost her sister and this little boy would never know his mother. He was left with a broken aunt and two idiot fathers to take care of him. The poor child did not have a whole lot to look forward to. Kaiya would not even be able to see her get married now which had been a dream of hers since Kokuro had not made it her own.

The bitter tears trickled hotly down her cheeks, cooling to an icy temperature by the time they reached her chin to drip onto the paper gown she had to put on before coming to see her Tetsuya. She moved her hand down to his little hand, pressing her finger against his palm. When she felt his tiny fingers curl around hers. It gave her reassurance to the child's will to live. She would not give up on him. He had to live. He just had to. Tetsuya was the only part of her sister that remained on earth besides her memories.

"Touta," she called, hearing the rustling of the paper gown he was wearing as he stood up from the chair in the room. She closed her eyes and soaked in the comfort of the simple kiss he gave her on the cheek. "I want to adopt Tetsuya."

"What about Hideki? He is the child's father and - " He was interrupted with a vicious correction.

"No, he's not," she snarled bitterly, spit flying from her mouth when she thought about who was biologically responsible for this child. "Shuichi Aizawa, unfortunately, is his father. I'll see him dead before I allow that man to take Tetsuya away from me."

"Koko, please don't say such a thing," Touta pled with her, putting his arm around her waist to pull her to his side.

'Yes, yes, say that! Say it again! I love to hear it,' Eskil Thanos thought happily as he hovered near them but remained invisible. He felt his skull stretch into a bony grin. That statement was music to his ears.

~...~

Kokuro awoke with a start after reliving the nightmare of the accident that killed her parents and almost killed her and Kaiya. It was cruelly ironic that the thing that finally took her sister's life was the very same kind of accident that had almost killed her as a child. Groaning as she stood up from the very uncomfortable sleeping place she had made of the chair in Tetsuya's room, she stretched and yawned as the dim gray light dawn began to illuminate the room. Pulling back the curtains, the weak light flooded the room. She thought there was something wrong with her eyes when she saw the air near her waver and move like heat waves from the pavement during summer except it was horizontal, not vertical.

"Show yourself," she commanded calmly, wondering which Death god would appear before her this time. She watched with a shockingly cool demeanor as the pilot Shinigami appeared. "What do you want?"

"You, my dear," Eskil Thanos replied, reaching out to run his flesh free fingers through her hair.

"Sorry but you're a little too living impaired for me to be interested," she shot back without pulling away from him in disgust when his thumb bone traced her lower lip.

"Hmmm...spoken like a true smart ass. I'm impressed. Even in your time of mourning you still manage to think of a snappy comeback," he said, smiling at her. He dared to push his limits, sliding his hand down her chest and allowing the tips of his fingers, or where they would be, to barely graze her skin. Watching goose bumps appear on her flesh, he pulled his hand away just before he touched her breast.

"Well, bitchiness doesn't stop due to sadness. If anything, it makes it worse," she muttered spitefully, stepping back from him to be out of his reach. It was disturbing and violating to be touched that way by something that doesn't even belong in this world. "Is there a way for me to get rid of you?"

"No, there isn't," he told her, turning his back to walk to the other side of the room where the incubator sat.

"Don't you dare. He's mine. He's all I have left of my sister. Don't take him away too," she told the Shinigami knowing there was absolutely nothing she could do to stop him. Tears flooded her eyes and immediately began to fall, glistening on her cheeks in the first rays of the sun heralded the beginning of a new day.

"Think of me as your guardian angel rather than a bringer of death," he said, studying the baby in the plastic box. It had been a painfully easy stroke of brilliance to come up with an idea of making a random driver have a heart attack and run that red light to crash into her sister's vehicle. If he were capable of guilt or compassion, he would be feeling both over the child right now. However, he had been incapable of those emotions as a human. He certainly would not have them now as a Shinigami. Standing up, he turned his glowing red eyes on the sobbing woman. "I can help you. I can actually help you solve some of your problems. I can even protect you. I can make sure this baby has a long life if I choose to. If you help me, I will help you."

"Please," she begged, the tears falling faster and more profusely. "I'll do anything. Just don't take him from me."

"Anything?"

"Anything."

* * *

I am grateful for my beta, xfang-girlx, who catches my mistakes no matter how big or small, numerous or few. Thanks!


	17. Reckoning

Kokuro stared at the notebook in her hands. Her eyes moved over each letter, tracing its shape visually. She did not feel any different. For some reason she had expected a rush of murderous rage and an overwhelming compulsion to write when she held the notebook in her hands after making the deal with the Shinigami. Chewing nervously on her lower lip, she opened the book to survey the clean white pages marked only with faint blue lines. It looked harmless enough - just like any of a thousand notebooks she had used in school. However, she knew that this one was different and deadly. Curiosity alone pulled at her to write a name and see what happened for herself. The experience seen through the eyes of someone else, someone she loved prevented her from doing so. Touta Matsuda, her sweet innocent fiancé had no idea what she had done. She had not been able to tell him. It had been two months since she had received the notebook, and she still had not mustered up the courage to confess the event that led up to it much less her acquisition of the lethal object.

A soft whimper from the baby in the bed to her right made her jump as if she had been caught. Kokuro carefully opened the drawer to her desk, sliding the notebook into it underneath her charts she had brought home from work. She now shared office space with Tetsuya who she always kept close by no matter where she was at. Her boss had made concessions for her to video conference with her patients for counseling sessions from her office at home so she could stay in close proximity to the baby. It was a much better compromise than putting a play pen in her office at work. She moved to the crib and reached in to pick up the baby who stared at her with his lively and intelligent eyes. They reminded her of Kaiya's eyes despite their dark color.

"Hello, Little Man. Have a nice nap?" she cooed, kissing him on the cheek before cradling him to her chest. She brushed her lips across his silky head as she carried him to the kitchen for dinner.

"Hello, sweetheart," Touta greeted her warmly, glancing up from the steaming pots of food cooking on the stove. "I was just about to come get you. Dinner's almost ready."

"Yeah, I know. Tetsuya beat you to letting me know," she said, putting the baby in his high chair. At ten months old he was already enjoying a lot of the same food they were. "He's going to be a linebacker someday. He'll say,'Hi, mom' into the camera and send a kiss heavenward to Kaiya."

Touta smiled as he filled the small plastic child's plate for Tetsuya. He smashed up the food carefully before bringing the dish to the high chair to suction it to the tray. Watching the child dig in with both hands, he laughed as the enthusiastic eater wolfed down the mashed potatoes, carrots, and small bits of roast beef. A pair of loving arms encircled his waist and he patted her forearm as she pressed her cheek against his back.

"Think we might have one of our own some day?" he inquired, lacing his fingers through hers as she peeked around him to watch the baby.

"Oh, yes, without a doubt. I want to have a houseful of little rugrats. It's the greatest feeling in the world to love something beyond yourself so selflessly and thoroughly," she murmured, sighing contentedly.

"Yes...yes it is," he agreed, squeezing her hand. He wished she could love him that way; so openly and honestly without hiding anything from him. "Let's eat before it gets cold. I think someone already needs seconds."

~\0/~

Kokuro lay in bed that night listening to the soft breathing of Tetsuya in the crib nearby. His deep breaths were punctuated with the occasional sigh of satisfaction that brought a smile to her face. However, she was anything but satisfied. The niggling guilt picked at her brain like a vulture picks at a dead thing; ripping off bits and pieces to leave a bloody, torn mess behind. That was exactly how she felt right now - tortured and ripped apart by her own remorse brought on by a promise made in abject terror. Rolling onto her side, she nestled closer to Touta. Pressing her body to his side, her lips grazed the smooth warm skin of his chest as her hand pressed to his heart to feel it beating.

"What is it?" he asked, startling her and feeling her flinch due to her closeness to him.

"There's something I need to tell you. I don't know how you will feel about me after this, but you must know," she stated in a voice that was stronger than she felt. Her belly quivered and nausea threatened to make her retreat to the bathroom. Forcing down the lump in her throat, she pushed through the fear and told him the whole story beginning from when the Shinigami made himself visible to her in the gray light of dawn that day.

Kokuro waited anxiously for his response in the unnerving silence that followed. She closed her eyes willing herself to stay calm and fighting for control as her body prepared to flee from the anxiety inducing quiet.

"Koko, I love you," he whispered to her, kissing her forehead. "If you use that notebook, I will leave you. I can't stand by and watch the slow descent into madness of another person I hold dear to my heart. I just can't. You have no idea how much I love you."

Kokuro clung to him as tightly as he did to her. What was she going to do? She had only promised the Shinigami she would take the notebook. Thankfully, she had been clever enough to strategically leave out actually writing a name in the notebook when they made the deal. How did she know Eskil Thanos would not go back on his word? Would he take the life of her nephew anyway? Sighing loudly, she felt trapped and afraid with no way out. Would this cause her to lose both men in her life that she loved so much? She tightened her grip on Touta and pressed her cheek to his bare chest.

"I'll find a way to help you through this. I'll save you both," he promised.

Touta could never have foreseen that Light would find a way to torture him from beyond the grave but he had. When would this finally be over? He wanted it to end without someone dying this time. There had to be a way out of this; an exception to the rules or a loophole through them. Ryuk knew all sorts of ways to get around the rules of the Death Note.

"Ryuk!" he gasped, sitting up in the bed.

"What?" Kokuro inquired wondering why he had said the name of the shark toothed Shinigami she had met in the chapel.

"We have to find a way to bring Ryuk to us," he muttered, throwing back the covers. He got out of the bed to pace the room while thinking.

A tall black shadow peeled away from the wall and materialized into the thin white-faced Shinigami. His throaty, sinister chuckle echoed through the room as he came into their view.

"You called? What's up, Matsuda?" he inquired jovially as if they were the best of friends. His eyes shifted to the woman in the bed who was twisting the covers in a knot beneath her chin. "You've done very well for yourself since I've seen you last."

"As if you didn't already know about her," Touta snarled humorlessly. "Cut the crap you bastard. I need your help. I already know you have no loyalties and will sell your services for a bag of apples so how about it?"

"My how you've changed, Mr. Matsuda?" the lanky Shinigami laughed. "So you want to save your woman and the child?"

Touta was not surprised he was fully aware of the situation. It would also not be shocking to find out he instigated the whole thing.

"I'll get to the point then. Eskil Thanos cannot harm the child because the Death Note has no effect on anyone less than seven hundred and eighty days old. You have a short window of time to do whatever you're going to do to him before he can take the child's life," Ryuk informed them.

"Okay. So is there a way to hurt him?" Kokuro questioned him, crawling to the end of the bed.

"Let me see..." He rubbed his pointed chin while rolling his huge eyes to the ceiling. He looked at the woman who was staring at him intently. "If I had an apple, it might help me think better."

Kokuro moved to get up but Touta held out his hand to stop her.

"I'll get it. You stay here and keep him talking," he said, glaring at the Death god.

Kokuro tightened her grip on the sheet when the Shinigami squatted down to be eye to eye with her. She shuddered when he reached out to run his long black fingernails across her cheek. Refusing to pull away from his touch or back down from the gaze of his leering red and yellow eyes, she narrowed her eyes in anger and steely determination to hold his gaze. She leaned closer to him when he ran his fingers through her hair.

"Aren't you afraid?" he challenged her, feeling her shaking when he lay his hand on her bare shoulder. "Or at least disgusted by me?"

"No," she lied, hoping she convinced him. He was actually correct on both accounts. She was terrified and found him revolting to such a high degree that it made her want to vomit.

"You're quite feisty and stubborn. I bet you could you annoy a Shinigami to the point where he want to choke you to death with his bare hands. Even Eskil Thanos," he stated in a low, conspiratorial voice. "Would you die to save the child?"

"What are you saying?" She swallowed as his fingernails scraped along her throat.

"Just think about it," he murmured, standing up and moving away just before Touta came back into the room.

"Here," the irritated man grumbled, throwing the Shinigami the apple. "Tell me something we can use against him."

Ryuk took his time eating the apple savoring each juicy bite as the humans waited with bated breath for a revelation as to how to bring down Eskil Thanos. He was having more fun than he could have ever imagined. This situation was turning out to be very interesting indeed.

"If you can make him think she's in danger of losing her life, he might kill the potential murderer to save her. Therefore, he will break a rule and bring about his own death," he explained simply and thoroughly.

"Are you saying to hire an assassin to pretend to kill her and that will in fact save her life?" Touta inquired skeptically not believing a word he had spoken.

How ironic. The one time the deceptive Shinigami tells the truth, no one believes him.

"Yes. He will do anything to protect her." Ryuk fixed his gaze on Touta. "She's instrumental in his desire for revenge. Revenge against you, Matsuda."

~\0/~

Kokuro could not sleep after the visit from the extra creepy Shinigami as if the Death gods in general were not creepy enough. Her mind formulated and shot down plan after plan once the weakness was found with each one. Touta had filled her in on what he knew of the 'rules' of the Death Note such as they were to help her discover the shortcomings of her ideas as well. The one common drawback shared by all the schemes was someone would die. If they waited out the seven hundred and eighty day time period, Tetsuya would die. If Kokuro incited Eskil Thanos to kill her in an effort to get rid of him, then she would be dead. If they pretended her life was in danger from an assassin, the Death god could see the real name of the so-called assassin which would lead him to discover their plan. There was no hope. No hope at all.

Kokuro kicked off the covers and got out of the bed. Her mind was still grasping for a solution to the seemingly unsolvable problem as she walked to her study to retrieve the notebook. Platitudes and other useless remarks that were sometimes regarded as inspiration or words of wisdom began to flow through her head.

"The best solution to a problem is sometimes the one we overlook," she said out loud to herself, tucking the notebook under her arm.

Kokuro wished she had never heard of the Death Note or the Shinigami. Biting her lower lip, she felt a knife stab her heart when the thought blazed through her consciousness that she wished she had never met Touta Matsuda. It was because of him she was suffering right now. But no...she did not mean that. It was despair and fear making her think something so horrible. She had lost her sister and now she might lose Tetsuya. Caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place, her anger and hatred flared like a fire deep within her. Her body seemed to be moving of its own volition as she went to the kitchen. Rummaging around in the junk drawer, she found a book of matches. Grabbing a bottle of vodka from the cabinet, she twisted off the lid and flung it before taking a sip. She wanted to build a fire to warm herself on the outside to match the one searing her on the inside.

"Just write his name and your troubles will be over," a voice said to her from the darkness as she walked out onto the back porch.

Kokuro did not say a word or even acknowledge his presence as she continued walking toward the fire pit sitting in the middle of the backyard. Sitting the notebook on the side of the round raised structure, she calmly and emotionlessly took off the top. Laying the notebook inside, she flipped open the cover to reveal the snow-white pages that had not been written on - and never would be written on. It was too late to save herself from the agony the Death Note brought but she would save someone else from it. She took one last swig of the liquor before turning over the bottle to dump it onto the notebook from hell. She emptied the bottle to soak the pages through and through.

"What are you doing?" Eskil Thanos demanded to be purposefully ignored.

"Forgive me, Touta. I really did love you until it hurt too much," she whispered to herself, striking a match.

"You can't!" he yelled, lunging for her.

"I can and I am. Watch me," she said in an eerily tranquil voice as she threw the match onto the pages drenched with the flammable fluid. She hit the ground without emitting a noise because the Shinigami's skeletal fingers were wrapped around her neck. Without struggling against him, she watched as the notebook burst into flames. With any luck it would burn quickly and completely, leaving only useless and harmless ashes behind.

"NO!" Touta yelled, hitting the murderous Shinigami in the head with an axe that been buried in a nearby stump. Now he intended to bury it in the head of the reincarnation of Light. "I killed you once and I will kill you again you bastard!"

"How do you kill what's already dead?" the skeleton laughed cruelly. Standing to his feet, he moved toward the man armed with an axe. "Besides, I'm a god now."

"You will die like this," Ryuk announced, lifting his pen to write in his notebook.

"It won't work! You can't kill me!" Eskil Thanos yelled triumphantly. Something heavy and sharp hit him in the head causing his neck to jerk backwards. A distinct pain sliced through his head just like the axe blade had his skull. He staggered, placing his hand against the handle of the axe that was lodged in his head. "Why...why do I feel pain? I can't die. I'm a...I'm a god."

"Not any more," Touta growled. "What's it like to be human again? Just in time to die."

"Even you can't be above the rules in the Shinigami Realm," Ryuk informed him. "I told the King about your scheme, your manipulation...your torture by a very slow death of these humans. He was not pleased. He has allowed me to take your life because you have caused too much trouble."

Ryuk moved toward the stumbling Shinigami grabbing him by the collar. After talking with Matsuda and Kokuro at length, he had decided it was time to end this game. He had grown bored when he realized there was no real conclusion. He was ready to find someone else to play with. Somewhere along the way he developed something akin to a conscience. He did not comprehend the reason for an innocent child to die for a selfish game of vengeance after seeing the child's lengthy lifespan for himself. This had gone too far, and it was time to end it.

"How could you...you owe me," Eskil Thanos mumbled, growing weaker.

"I owe you nothing," Ryuk laughed, throwing him on the ground. "Ten...nine...eight..."

'It can't end this way. I can't die so pathetically again,' the puny god thought to himself as his powers waned.

"I didn't get to tell you the first time," Touta said, kneeling by the skeleton. "Good-bye, Light. Rest in peace."

Kokuro crawled to Touta, holding onto him for her very life as they watched the glowing red eyes of the Shinigami dim and go out completely. She buried her face in his chest and sobbed her heart out. She felt his strong arms around her, holding her as she fell apart. By the time she was done, her throat hurt from screaming and her body felt weary from the violent display of emotion.

"It's over," he whispered in her ear, kissing her forehead and then each cheek. Turning to the leering Shinigami he said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I hope I never see you again Ryuk."

Ryuk laughed his raspy, mirthless laugh and smiled just a little wider. "No problem, Matsuda. Right back at you."

Kokuro closed her eyes as the clownish Death god spread his wings to take flight and remove himself from their lives forever. She held onto to Touta as he gathered her into his arms and lifted her to take her into the house.

"Do you still want to marry me?" he inquired.

"Yes. I love you," she sniffed, shuddering as her body suffered an aftershock from her overzealous crying.

"Good. I love you too."

* * *

~\0/~ The End ~\0/~


End file.
